WHAT HAS BECOME OF MY LIFE? A Reflection on my Life “When you were younger, you used to dress yourself and go where you wanted; but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go. (John 21:18) Christmas is fast approaching and another year is about to end and begin. Time flies swiftly that I need to look closely in the events of my life so that I could somehow see, even though mysteriously hazy, the direction God wants me to take. Indeed, my life has become a roller coaster ride for me and for all those who have journeyed with me. It has been a series of unexpected twists and turns and round-a-bouts especially in the ride of giving my self to God: happy things, exciting experiences, troublesome moments, crying times, trying events, and emotional pauses filled my path now that I recall the previous Christmases I had. CHRISTMAS 2011: “My Theo Christmas” It was a celebration because it was our last year of theological studies and also because we are all hopeful as we draw near our hoped for ministry in the altar. I spent the event with my MMHC brothers and fathers in Marikina where we were filled with the usual excitement of opening the many gifts we have received from dear people (and I am one of those who always received the most number of gifts) and because we will be seeing and will be bonding again with our families as we have our home vacation for 5 days. CHRISTMAS 2012: I termed it as “My Bisaya Christmas” as I have spent it I Bacong, Dumagute, Negros Oriental. It was the first Christmas Eve which I celebrated away from the bigger MMHC Community since we are assigned in a parish and did had a parish Mass that Christmas. Never did I expect that it was going to be the last Christmas for me with my two kidneys functioning normally! CHRISTMAS 2013: “My KT Christmas”. This was one of my most memorable Christmases since it was 9 months after I was diagnosed to be with a kidney disease, 8 months since I started having dialysis and just two months after I have undergone kidney transplant. I was filled with so much gladness as I return to the community after having to stay in seclusion for my recovery. It was a celebration of communal joy and sharing and of much gratitude for me, and my last MMHC Christmas… CHRISTMAS 2014: I do not know yet what to expect: I do not know if where will I celebrate it or with whom will I be celebrating such special event; I do not know if I will still have the same celebration as I had the past Christmases or if I will still receive gifts from those who used to give me every year or if will I receive more gifts or if there is any for me this year, afterall, being alive still is already too much for a gift for me and it is not my birthday but Jesus’. When I was young, I only have simple plans for my life. I only see myself as somebody happily living with a wife and loving children in a simple house with simple lifestyle and just a happy life but LOOK WHERE I AM NOW! I have also dreamed of becoming a newscaster that each time I would see Noli de Castro on TV, I would tell myself that when I grow up I am going to take his place and LOOK WHERE I AM NOW! I also see myself healthy and living upto my oldest possible self with all my body organs and parts intact, but LOOK WHAT I HAVE NOW! And I have always see myself as nobody else but an MMHC but LOOK WHERE I AM NOW! I have never expected all these things to happen nor have I planned them to be like these. But am I troubled or sad or disappointed or complaining or dissatisfied? I AM NOT! I know, I am convinced and I am sure that I AM NOT! I am neither troubled nor sad nor disappointed nor complaining nor dissatisfied! It was never easy, yes, especially when I am to take into account all my hurt feelings and unmet aspirations, my wounded and scarred body and my always shaken dispositions but looking at myself now, I am happy, I am contented and I am very much at peace. I still can crack jokes, a lot of them actually, from all the things that I have gone through; I can tell, retell and forever tell in details without crying nor tiring all the events of my difficult life and still feel grateful and humbled by God because He has given me this chance to share in His pains and that I am still alive. Most of the time, I would ask God if He has really meant all those things to happen to me. I thought that maybe He has just mistaken in giving me those, in believing and trusting in me. But I believe that He really meant all those things to happen to me. I did try to run away from them for a thousand times but God kept pulling me back to His planned tracks for me. It is but humiliating to think that God has trusted me more than I have trusted myself. After going through all (not really the “all”) that He gave to me, I realized that He must have meant all those things really specifically and especially for me! In those difficult times, God has never left me alone and unattended. In my pains, God would redirect my attention from my wounds to the love of the very supportive people around me. He would send me even the specific food I want to eat in a specific time (One time, I really wanted to eat lumpia and I just whisper to myself, “masarap yata kumain ng lumpia” and an hour after that, my mother came to visit me with a supot of lumpia from my Tita Nora). I have experienced how God made me cry in gratitude because I just cannot contain His generosity being manifested in the love and care of the people He has specifically sent for me. “Things that happen to me, happen for me… only for me and specifically for me.” This is my life’s claim. The people I meet, the places I have gone through, the events I am part of, and the very time when it happened are all designed by God just for me. And I am sure that the same thing happens to us all as God would put us in a situation meant for us and for us to become somebody God wants us to be. As of now, I am still in a constant stages of transitions, of constant changes, and constant unexpected happenings. For the past seven months since I arrived here in Pangasinan, I have continuously experienced God’s ride for my life. I have been to a lot of places, met a lot of people, become friends with countless fellows and have continuously seen how God has worked out things for me. God would bring me to places where I can meet people who will let me grow and make me become a better person, a loving friend and a faithful minister of His in the future. Although I have to admit that I am still me! Sinful, weak, sickly, impatient, proud, and complaining but if there is one thing that I have really learned from all those combined experiences, series of detachments and batteries of wounds and physical hurts, it is to TRUST GOD’S OWN TIME. It was in God’s time that I was given my life and received it again on the second time; in God’s time that He allowed me to grow, to be trained and formed and to somehow, mature in the formation I have received from my kuyas and fadz in the MMHC; in God’s time that I have met wonderful people who have accompanied me, supported me, inspired me, gifted me, loved me, prayed for me and stayed with me through all the joys, triumphs, tests and ordeals of my life upto this very day; and in God’s time that I was given the chance to be able to discern more deeply and bravely obey His will for me despite my own fears of rejection, of being judged and misjudged, of being detached and separated from my closest real friends and brothers in the community and in the YMC, of being negatively talked about and ridiculed, of being called ungrateful and of being unsupported with my decision. God’s call to me and for me has always been a mystery and His love, so vastly unexplainable. Fr. Soc would say that “we cannot truly and fully understand God’s love for if we do, we die!” and maybe, this is why following God’s call for me is always a “bunong-braso” between the two of us – and surely you can guess who wins! What has become of my life? You be the judged! Thank you very much for journeying with me. Most of the details of this reflection of mine is hidden for those who do not know me but for those whose hearts became mine when I was but very weak to feel my own heartbeat, you know fully well what I mean here. Grateful I am really! Deo gratias! HAVE AN ADVANCE MERRY CHRISTMAS! Can you give a title to your past Christmases as well? Fiat voulntas tua! Jeffrey S. Segovia
Posted on: Sun, 07 Dec 2014 07:30:38 +0000