Wednesday Nov 06 2013, Late Night Jokes The Tonight Show with Jay Leno New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was re-elected by a huge margin. He gave a great speech last night. He said he learned a lot in the last four years — for example, that lap-band surgery doesnt always work. Chris Christie won by such a wide margin that pundits say this will give him the impetus he needs to run for president. And hes got a new slogan: Put the oval in the Oval Office. President Obamas approval rating is down to 39 percent. And Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who admitted to smoking crack cocaine, went up to 49 percent. How does this make Obama feel? He’d be better off smoking crack than passing Obamacare. Miami Dolphins player Richie Incognito has been suspended as the NFL investigates claims of bullying another teammate. The NFL will not tolerate bullying — to which the Jacksonville Jaguars said, “Hey, we get bullied every Sunday! Conan The new mayor of New York City is a progressive Democrat with an African-American wife who used to be a lesbian. Or as Fox News reported, the apocalypse is upon us. The new mayor is married to a woman who used to be a lesbian. His campaign slogan: “If I turned her around, imagine what I can do for New York City!” Marvel Comics is introducing its first major superhero who is a female Muslim. The female Muslim superhero can fly, which comes in handy because shes not allowed to drive. Late Show with David Letterman Half of the state of Colorado voted to secede from the United States. This is what happens when you legalize marijuana. Have you been following the story about the Miami Dolphins player Richie Incognito? Heres a guy whos played for other teams, and been thrown off other teams. He was bullying another member of the Dolphins. Dont you hate it when 350-pound guy is bullying a 320-pound guy? But today Richie Incognito released an apologetic slur, so I thought that was nice. Astronomers have discovered 40 billion planets just like earth. And the remarkable thing is, theyre all just like earth. As a matter of fact, each one has several TV shows about storage units. Its uncanny. Late Night with Jimmy Fallon Bill de Blasio became New York City’s first Democratic mayor in 20 years by getting an amazing 73 percent of the vote. They’re saying a lot of the voting machines were malfunctioning. In fact, there were so many glitches, Bill de Blasio won the mayor’s race AND Dancing With The Stars. The mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, has admitted that he smoked crack a year ago when he was in a quote, “drunken stupor.” Geez, if that guy smokes crack when hes drunk, Id hate to see what happens when he smokes crack. Chris Christie won a second term as New Jersey governor last night. We like him. He’s a good guy. Christie said he couldnt have done it without his biggest supporter — and then his belt said, Happy to help, man. Chris Christie won a second term as New Jersey governor. And in honor of his big win, I promise no more fat jokes about him tonight. But seriously, the margin of victory was so big, even he could walk through it.
Posted on: Fri, 08 Nov 2013 03:12:52 +0000
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