What makes me tick! An explanation of why Im me :) My mother first became depressed when I was about 16. There were times when she was more like a zombie than a person as she was on Ativan for several years. I was a typical obnoxious teenager & certainly it didnt help that my mother & I were very likeminded & frequently butted heads. I often have felt guilt for her woes although it was explained to me that I wasnt really to blame, I certainly didnt help her very much back then! I guess it was this guilt I have carried that led me to later, become my mothers registered carer. A role which I filled for nearly 19 years. She had been in failing health and then fell on a public bus was unable to fend for herself then it was the effects of a poor hip replacement, womans troubles aplenty - Meningicocol Meningitis. But we made the most of it, I learned to drive in 1992. Previously Id had no interest in driving or cars, She believed wrongly, that if I drove I would not stay there for her, I knew better! My first year after passing my test I drove mostly with her over 33,000 miles all around England, Scotland, Wales & Cornwall. Good times :) If I wasnt working most days we were tucking the miles under our belts apart from the hospital visits etc. It often felt as though I lived in a hospital! :) Then latterly as she became more disabled by life & cancer it became the norm. My Mother died on November 10th 2005. I spent a year in a Richmond Fellowship home in Manchester when I was younger, because I became depressed as a knock on to one of my mothers bouts & after bearing witness to my brothers life threatening accident. During my time at the Richmond Fellowship I quickly realised how lucky I was, as I was not suicidal & with only one other exception, Hi Alan if youre reading this. The other guests were! I spent most nights talking or listening, it was during this time I learnt the value of really keeping something told me confidential. I was very often trying to calm others down or, taking someone whod taken an overdose or cut their wrists or the like to casualty. The paid night staff attitudes stank. Perhaps they were sick of it, but in my opinion IF they were not prepared to actually help guests, then why were they getting live in pay? If people cut their wrists when the door was knocked, they would say youve cut yourself now take yourself to hospital! I witnessed it more than once & thereafter resolved to look after the depressed kids, who were making cries for help. They had come from all walks of life and some had even been in oldest job in the world all were deeply troubled. One guy robbed all my stuff and sold it to restart his habit I did not hold it against him, but realised he at least was beyond my help! As for my brothers accident. (We were horsing around, I may in part be guilty for his fall which has added to my guilt burden over the years!) When he fell through a plate glass window, which in turn came down on top of him & cut off his ear amongst other things. I then had to put my hands into his neck to stem the flow of arterial blood which had liberally covered the top half of my torso & face & was spurting what seemed an incredible distance across the road. I have had recurring nightmares about this for several years afterwards, and occasionally these days too! My brother thankfully is not thus affected. But still I manage to remain positive, although I have received counselling too. Yet I have not had a serious recurrence in over 33 years, because I learned how to live my life in humour. You may consider my humour good or dry or otherwise! The point is that smiling makes you feel better and unconsciously keeps your spirits up! Nobody will stop me using humour as part of my life, I do not need you to like or understand me. I could care less! But in all honesty I do not talk to people I dislike which is my only negative response.. I do not fight people or force people to communicate with me. If someone asks me not to communicate with them, I will ALWAYS honour their request! I do not try to hurt people with my humour, if you dont understand my humour I will not hold it against you because I accept that I am weird and certainly an acquired taste! If you do not acquire the taste is your loss! To my close family & friends I am loyal, compliant & trustworthy.. I will go to great lengths to help a friend and on Facebook Ill chat the hind legs off the chat, within the confines of what is accepted. As for my brother he eventually made a full recovery, married a lovely woman had two lovely children & lives in Cornwall. We are truly the best of friends, chat regularly & are there for each other at the drop of a hat. :)
Posted on: Mon, 07 Apr 2014 14:20:33 +0000
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