Where to begin? I am prewritting this because Thursday will be The year of the first without you. Emotions are beginning to run high again...knowing that April 3 will marks the 1 year since Heaven opened and welcomed you home.I remember like it was yesterday. The visits to the hospital, hearing of what was coming was the worst news possible that any family could ever hear. Not ever wanting to let go, but you know that we would have to. Little did we know what would be when we came today. The realization or thought of losing you was overwhelming and set so many events in motion. Everyday I miss you, everyday I think of you. I truly dont know where the time has gone, at times it moves so quickly, other times it stands still, especially when I replay the events of today in my mind, it takes the breath out of me. There is no logic, no human understanding that could have prepared us for today. All I know Tatty, is that nothing is the same. Ive reflected this past year, thinking about how you were. You were always kind, loving, nurturing, patient father, even when we probably drove you nuts. You taught me to be patient, to value life, to be forgiving. You showed us that family always came first, and you did an awesome job taking care of your family. But now, since this day, 1 year ago...I have learned to trully appreciate life, family, forgivness, kindness, compassion on a different level. I try to live my life with an amazing sense of gratefulness, and take nothing or no one for granted. Trying to always keep my word, trying to make sure that the people in my life know that I love them, making the time for them while I can, leaving no room for any regret down the road. Life is fragile, and what happened today, and what I saw today, made me realize it even more. This day, it was like Heaven opened and I could see the most beautiful stars in the sky, you know Ive never been able to see the way normal people do. So I took it as such a huge blessing that this was shown to me. For the first time, I trully felt Gods presence on a very deep level, and I knew that the Angels took you home and you were at peace and are so loved. This presence is what helped me through, one day , one minute, one second at a time. Since then, I tried to be strong, to help mommy as much as I could, to help her with the funeral arrangement, and to be there for her as much as I can. My pain Tatty doesnt even compare to hers, for one moment, I cannot comprehend what she is going through, and still is. She cries alot still. Nothing has been touched since, everything is as it was to this day. The heart wrenching part is knowing that still mourns so much. Smokey is not the same, he still jumps on the table, waiting, or when Mommy is on the phone, he attacks her more, I know he misses you, and he never leaves her side. I cant imagine the loneliness she feels and the emptiness in the house. My heart breaks for her. I call her everyday, because I know, that if she didnt get at least one call, that at times, she wouldnt talk to another person at all. I do this because I need to know that she is ok today, I have to hear her, i have to know how her today was. I know its not a promise that I made, to me, its doing what is right, living on the values that you taught me, treasure your family. I want my actions to reflect on the values that you taught me, and to know that I am my fathers daughter, Someone that you are proud of. I think one of the biggest things that you showed me was your love when Mathieu died. I saw the pain you had, but also the love you had and how much you tried to comfort me, even though you lost your second grandchild...I hope that the 2 of you are having the most amazing time together. I know that you gave him the biggest hug from me when you got there... Its odd, since this day last year, I dont have a potty mouth, the occasional one slips out once in awhile,cause I know that you didnt like swearing. I cant watch some tv shows that use to be my fav, because of the violence in them, as I said, so much has changed. Someday when we meet again you are going to get the biggest hug ever...and than well talk and talk and talk... So many memories you left me with...I was thinking about the time that you taught me how to ride a bike at the park...I was so scared, but you made sure that I was on the grass so I wouldnt hurt myself when I fell...and when I did fall, you picked me up, and we tried again. You held on to me and you ran and ran, all the while , still holding on, but eventually, you let go, giving me the wings and the knowledge that I can do this, thank you for that. I did something so stupid yesterday, I reread the copies that I have before they were changed and it brought to such a dark and angry place, and made me feel so sad, that I finally put them away again. I know, I should know better. It took awhile for me to not feel the way I did, and the only way out was to remember forgiveness, and understanding... and remember how you would want me to be, I will definately not be reading that again. Im not sure why I decided to do that. There is no logic to try to even understand why . Tatty, I miss you, miss your voice...miss your smile , but Someday, well meet again, But until then, I will continue to be there for Mommy, I will continue to grow and be appreciative of all and take nothing for granted, always forgive, be patient, and never be afraid to show compassion and love. I was a gift to you, but you were a gift and a blessing to me. I hope that my actions will always reflect on the daughter that you can be proud of. Because I am so very proud to be your daughter, thank you for being my Dad, until we meet again Tatty, I love you with all of my heart. Love you forever to beyond the moon, and the stars, Kristyna xoxo
Posted on: Sat, 29 Mar 2014 11:53:15 +0000
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