YOUNG MEN: My daughter, Camryn, has turned 16, and her sister, Lauren is less than a year away. I thought Id take this opportunity to repost the application form you will need to fill out in order to ask them out on a date. Your attention is specifically directed to the last two rules, paraphrased here: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a slow, potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing merciless god of your universe. If I ask where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and about five seconds to do so. Please note the following facts: (1) I have so much firepower (much of which you will have already seen me cleaning at the time you arrived to pick up my daughter) that Im actually on government watch lists; (2) I still have the tools I purchased for my landscape redesign of the backyard, including a paver saw, picks, and shovels; and (3) my neighborhood backs up on hundreds of square miles of BLM desert, much of which does not see human contact for years at a time, if ever. Upon your return, as soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your vehicle with both hands in plain sight; speak the perimeter password of the day; announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early; and then return to your vehicle-- there is no need for you to come inside. Yes, the camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Posted on: Sun, 10 Aug 2014 18:17:59 +0000
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