expecting others to act as i wanted them to act, do as i wanted them to do, feel as i wanted them to feel, love as i wanted them to love when i cried out from the loneliness of my self-created prison, when i cried that i was tired, when i spoke of the tragedy that i had writ of what was my life, and demanded of them the answers to my whys?, when my hopes that even one would see that i was in need and respond in more than a perfunctory manner, and intercede on my behalf in a manner conducive to re-aligning the path i myself had chosen, though choice seemed too deceptive of a concept, as i had had to come to accept that the downward spiral i found myself upon was an easier path than the looking in the mirror, seeing what i had made of myself, and changing it, more often than not resulted in a silence that spoke volumes, was deafening, i came to believe, and even know, that when the answers to my queries were no, i was asking the wrong questions, seeking in the wrong place, relying on the wrong entity, seeking comfort from the wrong source, and suddenly the puddle of tears about me grew till i felt i swam in a vast sea of sorrow, lost, alone, and without hope, emotions festering till they were almost familiar, nearly acceptable, with the cracking of another sealed bottle, or the pushing of another plunger, or the eye watering snort of yet one more chemical to sustain, no, to put off the inevitable rope swing, or cliff leap, or the slow sleep , and dare i say rest, of a hose taped to my exhaust pipe, and the dreams i held yesterday of the tomorrows that could be were had become faded, taunting me, and telling me lies that all was doom and gloom and what the hell was the use in trying? after all past efforts had come to naught... then the speaker in the ceiling of my jail cell shouted out, AA meeting available for anyone who cares to attend, and i knew
Posted on: Sat, 22 Mar 2014 15:53:13 +0000
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