powered out, exausted from deprivation, a life worse than possible... what my therapist, to my own suprise described as... i hate to talk about such... if he beliefed in what i experience is "undernatural" (opposit of supernatural)... maybe a test close to what we know as hiobs story... i know, i totally must have lost my mind. Know why people can be happy if their worlds are intact, human... as they do... and statistical law still exist. I can´t descirbe it better as "sureal bad luck" or "god hating me... turning the whole world to sureal ugly, morbidity, cruelty, a carricature of people and existence. People causing nothing but accidents... a bright mind turns to an idiot... not realising that since half an hour he arguments 1+1=27... you know a bit psychology yourselfe, have beliefed, still would rather like to be insane than "in hell"... even as 9 medications only drasticly backfired, once nearly killing you. you stay nice, smile, try people to laugh a bit, if a baby dropps a bottle of ketchup in the supermarket you have picked it up before thinking, told the baby some friendly words... the parents smiled at you. today you stood before the allways broken two machines taking the empty bottles for change... you had five empty bottles, the guy before you five sacks full. You asked friendly if he let you step up before him in row... No! He has to wait too! You don´t find words... try to explain you need 5 seconds, while he needs five minutes at minimum... beg... and resignated he let´s you advance. 5 seconds later you said your fourth "thank you"... in a world poor in soul and wealth... while everywhere around porsches and benzes park. What torments you was there ever... your therap, the last time you saw him after 20 month break, one time in feb. spoke of "wars end", beeing risen... (as out from hell)... the harvest of wine... counceld to search a mild, wise father able to show you lifeworthy qualitys. You know with yours was something wrong since his mother died of cancer... with the dead of my grandmother i was confronted with the first thing i couldn´t wrap my mind around. i suffered and cried for her. I feared... michael endes "Neverending Story" thought me words as "eternity, and non-existence". I could imagine eternity. was scared. then the farmers in the village which where "problematic" for anyone new found there scapegoat, other new bys forbid their kids to play with me... successes, having reached, been someone... where only the few years around my 18th. aferwards i suffered from what i too had to beliefe as a post traumatic mental disease. though: medication naturally doesn´t feel great... nearly lost my life from beeing poisoned 6 years.
Posted on: Mon, 05 Aug 2013 09:25:03 +0000
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