-1-- Khade khade muh kya dekh rahe ho, jaao, ab to sab ka muh meetha karna hai. (standing standing why face you looking, go, now we need to sweeten everyones face) -2-- Parameswar ki kripa hai, masterjee (who cares how the heck it happened, just shut up and take advantage of it.) -3-- Frail girl in white salwar lying on a charpoy, dying of the hindi movie script writers favourite fatal illness... yes, Munni ko blood cayncer ho gaya hai He bhagwan, meri jaan le le, aur mere beti ki jaan bacha de (hey god, if its all the same to you, wanna trade my life for my daughters?) By this time, everyone is resigned to the fact that the daughter will kick the bucket within the next two minutes, just in time for daaktarjee to come in and check her pulse... as the background singers start clearing their throats for the obligatory aaa...aaa... chorus ----------------------------------------------------------------------- From this point on, all of the core material (and the typos) are Asjeet Lambas. Prem! ([email protected]) has just cleaned it up a bit for presentation and added a few comments here and there... ================================================================================ HINDI MOVIE ONELINERS AND PHATTAS ================================= SHOLAY involving GABBAR SINGH (AMZAD KHAN) and his CHAMCHAS. GABBAR - Kitne aadami the ? SAMBHA - Do, Sarkar.. GABBAR - Woh do the aur tum char, Phir bhi tum log wapas aa gaye... Haramzado, Gabbar ka naam mitti main mila diya... Iskee sazaa milegi, jaroor milegee... ---- GABBAR - Tera kya hoga, re Sambha ? SAMBHA - Maine to aapka namak khaaya hai, Sarkar.. GABBAR - To aab goli bhi kha le... ---- How about this classics scene: The Hero has just married a very poor girl ( who later turns out to be his fathers friends long lost daughter ) and has brought her home to introduce to his parents. Hero: Mala (for lack of a better name), Pitaji ke paon chuo. ( Mala, touch fathers feet) Mala is bending down to touch the fathers feet. Suddenly, THE FATHER MOVES BACK TWO STEPS. Father: Tum is khandan ki bahu kabhi nahi ban sakti. ( You can never become the daughter-in-law of this house). Father to Hero: Kamine, tune hamari ijjat ko mitti me mila diya. Nikalja is ghar se. Aaj se tu mera beta nahin aur me tera baap nahin. Samajh le ki tera baap mar gaya. ( You have mixed my honour in the mud. Get out of the house. From today, you are not my son and neither am I your father. Assume that your father is dead.) ---- My, these cliches from Hindi movies sure are fun. Lets have more of these. And another classic from Sholay: Dharmendra is up on top of the water tower threatening to commit suicide and is very drunk. Down below there are many villagers watching the drama unfold, and this classic situation involves two of these fine gentlemen - G1, and G2. Dh: Gaon vaalon, mein vahi karoonga jo Heer ne Ranjha ke liye kiya tha, Romeo ne Juliet ke liye kiya tha - sosait, sosait, sossaait (suicide). G1: Arre bhai, yeh sossaait kya hota hai? G2: Arre bhai, jub ungrez marte hain, to usey sossaait kehte hain!!!! Hats off to the genius who wrote the dialogues! ---- I dont remember where this came from, but i really like it. Here is how it goes: The villain has the heroine tied to an electric chair with a long electric wire leading to a switch. The villain throws the switch and the electricity is now shown flowing towards the heroin. The hero is running towards the heroine racing with electricity to save her, and yes he is catching up. The villain at this point shouts to his chamcha: Charlie voltage baddhao, electicity jaldee jayegi. ---- The villain has just asked his guys to get hold of Mudassar Nazar, who has refused to come to the villains den. Sidie: Boss, Mudassar Nazar nahin aa raha hai. Villain: Kya? Tumhare ankhe hai ya button? Phir se dhoondo! ---- Ajit is on the phone to Seth Dharam Prashad, played by that insufferable dude, AK Hangal (who, just as an aside, needs to be eliminated along with Nirupa Roy): (translations provided). Ajit: Seth Dharam Prashad, aapki beti hamare kabze mein hai! [Seth Dharam Prashad, your daughter is in my nefarious hands!] Seth: Hullo, hullo, kaun bol raha hai? [Hullo, hullo, who is this?] Ajit: Pyaar se log mujhe tayllipphone kehte hain! [People affectionately call me tayllipphone!] (Damn, it loses a certain charm in the translation.) ==== Amitabh B has got out of jail and is bent on finding and beating up Ajit (who goes by the name JJ in this movie). He calls JJ: (direct translations provided). Amitabh: JJ, main abhi abhi jail se nikla hoon! [JJ, I now now jail from exited have!] Ajit (JJ): Haan, kaho to phir andhar bhijva doon? [Yes, say if again inside I send shall?] ==== Hope you enjoy this TOOTI PHOOTI Hindi / English! The movie is Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro: The funniest line in the film was probably when Naseeruddin Shah takes over the role of Duryodhana in the MABHARATA play and says Meine Draupadi ka cheer-haran ka idea DROP kar diya hai (Ive dropped the idea of denuding Draupadi ) (Prem!s officious comment: ) (Personally, I think Om Puri had the best line in that scene. Om Puri ) (has taken over Bhims role (gada-dhaari Bhim, no less! :-) and is FOR ) (stripping Draupadi, while Duryodhan (Naseeruddin?) is AGAINST it... ) ( ) (When Yudhishtir, played by some sidey actor tries to stop Draupadi ) ((who is played by Satish Shahs dead body, (dont ask me why!)) from ) (being stripped of her clothes, and Om Puri (Bhim) roughs up this ) (Yudhishtir dude saying: ) ( Abey Oy, tu kaun hota hai bolne waala, ) ( ham bhi to Draupadi mein shareholderrr hai! ) ( *end of Prem!s comment* ) ==== How about other gems from the movie: 1. Om Puri trying to help Satish Shahs old car. In fact it is his dead body in a coffin, which Om Puri mistook for an old car which has got its tyre punctured. The best line in the whole episode was Ek Sharabi sharabi ke kaam nahin ayega to kaun ayega (If one drunkard doesnt help another drunkard, then who else will?) ( Yetanudder comment from Prem! with prem... ) ( How could your forget the other line by Om Puri (who is totally drunk)) ( Kaun si modddel hai? Oh ho, Sport car hai, arrey apni ) ( to Austin gaddi hai, eh heh, old ij goldd, eh bhai? ) 2. Naseeruddin Shah goes to Satish Shah as a photographer from Times. He is eating cake. Ravi Baswani signals Naseeruddin Shah to throw some cake outside so that he can relish it too. Here comes the best one-liner from NS Amrika mein kehte hein - thoda khao, thoda pheko. (NS is telling Satish Shah that it is said in the USA, one should eat some and throw some) 3. While eulogizing Satish Shah, Woh gutter ke liye jiye, aur gutter ke liye mare. Woh kaha karte the ki kisi desh ki unnati uske gutter se jani jati hai. Unhone apni sari jindgi gutter mein gujar di. (He lived for gutter, and he died for gutter. He used to say that the progress of a country can be measured by its gutters. He spent all his life in gutters.) 4. Then this scene in which Ravi thinks the heroine (sorry, forgot the name) has come to be photographed, and explained to her that he will take such a good photo that she will instantly become a top model. The dialogue ends with a slap from heroine. Then while Ravi is searching for the photographs she had earlier asked them to develop, Naseeruddin Shah comes in the shop and he also thinks that she wants to be photographed. the whole scene is repeated. It was hilarious. Ravi trying to tell NS that she is not what NS thinks, but everytime NS just shuts him up. 5. The scene in which the two had gone in search of the dead body in the night. Ravi Baswani is terribly afraid. He wants to search in the area where he is sure there is no dead body. ( Prem!s comments again... ) ( One of the other alltime memorable lines in this movie was when Om Puri ) ( (Ahuja) finds out that Satish Shah (DMello) has double crossed him, ) ( he (om puri) storms out of the room with his (om puris :-) lungi ) ( hitched up, screaming in a thick Panjaabi accent: ) ( Oye DeeMello, Tu to gaya ) I would strongly recommend the movie to everyone. Among other comedies, Angoor (Sanjiv Kumar, based on Comedy of Errors) and Shaukeen (Ashok Kumar, Hangal and Utpall Dutt) are recommended. Any other comedies that netters would recommend?? ---- Raaj Kumar: Jaani, hum tumhe aisa nahi karne denge... ---- Amitabh Bachchan: Nazar utha ke dekh Gabbar. Tere sar pe maut mandalaa rahee hai! ---- Ravi : Jitendra Maa : Nirupa Roy Foto : Om prakash Ravi: Maa, Tumhaare aasheervaad se main aaj B.A. FIRST class mein pass ho gaya hoon. [ Mom, your cool_dude son graduated today ] [ Guess what ?! In first class ] Maa : Bahuth khushee ki baath hai beta. Le, yeh parshaad kha le. [ Son, thats really impressive. Thulp this parshaad ] [Roy goes to the Foto of Om prakash, that is hanging on the wall] Dekho ji. Aaj apke beta ne aap ki baath nibhaya hai. [ Look hubby, your son the cool dude, what a shot !] [ Roy to her son ] Beta ... Ek achchi si naukari doond le Aur, Jaldi se ek Bahuraani bhi le aaa [ Son, how about cashing a job and closing on a female ? ] Ravi: Maa ... uummnn ... Bahu rani tho my dhoond hee liya hai. [ Geez, closed on a girl already ] Maa : SSsaachchc?^#!@*&! Kaun hai beta vo khush kismat valee ? [ Really !, whos that babe ? ] Ravi: Seth Gangaram ki beti, Asha. [ ddaannn ...dddaaann .... music in the background and a face full of *%$*( of Nirupa Roy in the foreground ] The rest of it is left to your imagination. The saga continues... Maa: BETAA!!! Yeh mujhse tu kis janam ka badla le raha hai!? (Sonny, whatcha screwing up my happiness for?) Ravi: MAA, tu kyaa keh rahee hai? (Duh?!?!) Maa: Beta, yeh wohi Seth Gangaram hai jisne tere pitaajee kaa khoon karvayaa thaa! (BACKGROUND musicians go CRAZY!) (You little twerp, this was the same jerk who knocked up (errr...off) your daddy-jee) Ravi: Kya!? Member of Audience: Abbe saale, sunaaee nahi deta tereko!? (Oh, brother-in-law, cant you hear?) Ravi: Maa, yeh tu kyaa keh rahi hai? (Writers Interjection: Our Hero is not exactly PhD material.) Maa: Beta, bees saal pehle ke baat hai... (Son, this happened 20 years ago...) Ravi: Yeh, yeh mom get on with it. Ive heard that before... (Haan, haan maa aur kuch bolo. Yeh maine sab suna hua hai...) Maa: (STARTS SOBBING HYSTERICALLY) Beta, beta yeh tu kya keh raha hai... Audience Member 2: Arre yaar yeh to phir rone lagee!!! (Geez man this woman started all over again) Other Members: MAARO MAARO ISSE!!! (Kill her, Kill her) SO we Finally get rid of Ms. Roy. Thanks once again to the mob mentality. Who said mob mentality was all bad!! ---- THE SCENE... Hema malini(Basanthi) on tonga is being chased by four dakaits on ghodes... Basanthi - Chal Dhano! Aaj theri basanthi ki izzhat ka saval hei Dhano - Arain Basanthi agar tere peeche char daku hein to mere peeche bhi char ghode hain.Meri izzhat ka bhi saval hei. ---- From Sholay, Amitabh Bachchan to Hema Malini: Tera naam kya hai, Basanti? this should be followed by Mera naam Basanti hai !! then amitabh says in his typical style: Pehli baar suna ---- How adout the following from the evergreen Prem Chopra (repeated umpteen times in the movie.) Mein woh bala hu jo sishe se pathar todta hoon. (Prem!s comment: ) ( ) ( and the other one which I am already quite tired of hearing, ) ( ) ( Prem... Prem naam hai mera, Prem Chopra ) ( ) ----------- How about this one from Zanjeer? The hero has just landed in Ajits (big) bungla to remind him of what happened 20 years ago. And Ajit goes, Aao Vijay, Baito aur hamaare saath ek iscotch piyo. Hum tumhe kha todi jaayenge. Vaise bhi hum vegetarian hain!! ------------ The dialogues are from Amitabh movies. AB: Muche ho to nathulal jaisi ho varna na ho. (muche = moustache - Prem!s translation service) AB: Meri zindagi ka tambu teen bambu pe khada hai sharab, shayari aur aap. AB: Aadmi zindagi mein sirf do hi baar bhagta hai, ya to olympic ka race ho ya police ka case ho. ---- I remember one dialogue from Kalicharan, here goes... Shatrughan Sinha :- [ reacting to unusual nicety by Premnath ] D.S.P. Saab aaj kya naag panchami hai? Premnath :- [ Surprised ] Nahi to? Shatrughan Sinha :- To phir aap is naag ko doodh kyo pila rahe hai? ---- (Asjeet seems to have gone back to Sholay here... Prem!) Dh: When I die, Police coming. Police coming, Buddiya going jail. In jail, Buddiya Chakki Peesing and Peesing and Peesing.... G1: Are bhabhi, jara haan kar do nan, Yeh to marne ja raha hai. Basantis mother: Are kaise haan kar doon, Dinanath ji!!. G1: To phir usay marne dogi kya? Bs m: Accha theek hai, Veeru, Main thaiyar hoon. Main thaiyar hoon!!. Dh: Are thumse kown shadhi karega buddiya, main tho Basanti se shadhi karna chahtha hoon. Basanti: Veeru, main bhi thaiyar hoon. Dh: Chalo, Basanti thaiyar hai. Buudiya bhi thaiyar hai, Main neechay uthartha hoon. ---- This dialogue is from the movie Namak Halaal. I hope I do justice to it. The scene is the one in which Amitabh is introduced to Ranjeet by Ram Sethi for the first time in the movie. Ranjeet: Yeh sab to theek hai, magar angrezi vangrezi aati hai ya nahi. Amitabh: E lo kar lo baat. Are aisi angrezi ave hain ke I can leave angrez behind. I can talk english, I can walk english, I can laugh english, because english is a funny language. Bhairon becomes barren and barren becomes Bhairon because their minds are very narrow. In the year 1929 when India was playing Australia at the melbourne stadium Vijay Hazare and Vijay Merchant were at the crease. Vijay Merchant told Vijay Hazare. look Vijay Hazare, this is a very prestigious match and we must consider it very prestigiously. We must take this into consideration, the consideration that this is an important match and ultimately this consideration must end in a run. Ranjeet: O.K., O.K. Amitabh: In the year 1979 when Pakistan was playing against India at the Wankhade stadium Wasim Raja and Wasim Bari were at the crease and they took the same consideration. Wasim Raja told Wasim Bari, look Wasim Bari, we must consider this consideration and considering that this is an important match we must put this consideration into action and ultimately score a run. And both of them considered the consideration and ran and both of them got out. Ranjeet: O shut up. ---- Villians Hechman: Boss, Rita (the heroine) bhaag gayee... (Boss, Ritas escaped.) Villian: Jaao uska peecha karo! (Go! Follow her!) Gabbar Singhs Twist: Jaao unkaa peechaa karo, aur khaalee haath mut anaa haramzaadon!! (Follow them, and dont come back empty-handed, you bastards.) ---------- Heroine to Villian: Kutte, kameene; chhod de mujhe!! (Dog; Meanie; leave me!) Villian: *Grunt* (Enter) Hero: Haraamzaade, main tera khoon pee jaaungaa!! (Bastard, Ill drink your blood!) ----------------- Hero to Mom (first meeting with heroine): Dekho ma main kisse laya hoon! (Look who Ive got to meet you mom!) Heros mom: Aao betee, mere paas baitho... (Come daughter, sit beside me...) (If that happens to be Lalita Pawaar then were treated to her awesome natural wink, if you get what I mean @;) Heroine: **BLUSH** **BLUSH** *Quickly pulls ghungat (veil) over her head and touches her feet (the ma-in-laws feet that is!)* ----------------- Old man: Bees saal pehle ki baat hai... (This happened twenty years ago...) *Fade to flashback...* ----------------- On similar lines: Low life goondaa eve-teasing the heroine is accosted by a mean- looking crowd. Man 1: Tumhaare ghar mein kyaa maa, behen nahi hai? (Dont you have a mom or sister at home?) Ranjeets rejoinder: Maa, behen to hai; lekin biwi nahi hai! (Yeh, yeh. I have a mom and sister, but no wife!) Audience Member: Abbe maaro saale ko!! (O you, beat-up the brother-in-law!!) ------- ( ) (We now interrupt this program for some commercial messages --- Prem! :-) ((These are also from Asjeets collection. Not my creations.) ) Some Indian Commercials: Nirma Washing Powder -------------------- Woman: Nirma! Washing powder Nirma. Dood see safedee Nirma se Aaye. Rangeen kapdon mein khil khil jaaye. Sub ki pasand Nirma! Washing powder Nirma, washing powder Nirma. NIRMA!! (Aurat: Nirma! Dhone ka saabun Nirma. White as milk from Nirma. Colorful clothes blossom blossom. Everyones choice Nirma! Dhone ka saabun Nirma, blah blah Nirma. NIRMA!) Vicco Vujradunti Ayurvadic Cream -------------------------------- Woman: Badde naazon se paalee hamaaree banno. Tujhe dulhan banaye (sings) re pyaaree banno. Tujhe haldi ka something-or-the-other lagaayen sakheeaan. Teri kaya ko komal banaye sakheeaan. Teri sakheeaan are getting carried away singing and dancing... (Aurat: My daughter, I have raised you with immense care and at great personal sacrifices to me. I have kept you away from all those sleaze-bag boyfriends of yours. So let your pals take this opportunity to put a lot of gooey stuff on your arms, legs and face (since we cant show anything else on Doordarshan (TV)).) O. K. Saabun (Soap) ------------------- Scene 1: Two men cycling together and discussing world affairs.... Man 1 : Arre yeh toe bahut bada hai! Zaroor mehnga hoga! (Hey, this toe is really big @:) (Should be kinda expensive) Man 2: Nahi yaar! Bilkul mehenga nahi hai. Naha ke toe dekh!! (No friend. No way!! It aint expensive. Bathe your toe and see @:) Scene 2: Man 2 in the shower with a gulaabee (pink) OK soap in his hand... Background Music and Voice: Joe OK say nahae kamal sa khil jaaye. OK nahaane ka badaa saabun. (If Joe bathes with OK soap, hell blossom like no ones business. OK is the BIG bathing soap.) Voiceover: Companys-name-deleted Utpaadan (Product). -------------------------- ( BACK to the dialogues... ) Heroine: Mein tumhaare bachche ki maa banane waalee hun! (Im going to become your kids mother) Hero: Kya!? (With a Im-in-deep-shit-now look) (What?!) Heros Mother/Father: Yeh lo pachchaas hazaar rupaih aur mere bete ko bhool jao. (Here, take these fifty thousand ruppees and leave our son alone.) Heroines Father/Mother: Kullachchini, maine tujhe issi liye paal-pos ke badaa kiya thaa ke tu mujhe yeh din dekhaaye?! (Woman-from-a-lousy-family-tree, did I raise you to show me this day?) Mom: Kalmoohi! Maine tujhe issi din dekhne ne liye paidaa kiya thaa! Ke tu mere peeth peechey gulcharrey udhatee phirre!? (Black face! Did I give birth to you to show me this day! That behind my back you fly flower-shots around!?) Girl: Ma! Main Martandya se pyaar kartee hun! (Mother! I love Martandya) Boy: Hum ek doosrey ko jee-jaan se chahatey hain...! (We love one another with our heart-life) Dad: Haraamzaadey! Teri itni himmat! Meri beti par dorey daalta hai! Teri haesiyat he kya hai? (Bastard! Your that many guts! Youre putting ropes around my daughter! What is your social standing after all?) Raaj Kumar: Arre jaani, jaane bhi do. Do pyaar bharey dil hain. Gulcharrey nahi udhaengey to kya world affairs discuss karengey kya? (Oh lively one, let it be. Two love filled hearts these are. If they dont fly flower-shots what do you expect them to do -- discuss world affairs?) ================================== Utpals dialogues too are equally lively!. >Dwaraka >[email protected] National dress ka mazak nahin uda-oge to broad minded kaise kehloage? ....in Gol Maal in which Utpal Dutt wants his daughter > in law to be a villager and Deepti Naval (whos a doctor) cons him into > believing that shes an authentic gawar village belle? It was hilarious. > Arun > Most probably the name of the movie is Kisise Na KahenaIf it is, then in the same movie Utpal Dutt went to see bride for his son(Farouq Sheikh), the conversation is as follows; The girl asked rock ka bare me aap ka keya kheyal hai? She meant music. Utpal Dutt replied rock ka bare me to mere jaankari jada nehi hai. mera buisness dusra hai ---- Amitabh in Coolie (?) : .. jis par pad jaye ek bhee hath uska bache na ek bhi baal. isliye naam hai mera iqbal..... ---- Kadar Khan : .. sheeshe ko sheesha kat ta hai, lohe ko loha kat ta hai, tujhe paagal kutta katega .... ---- To use this site, please read and agree to the
Posted on: Mon, 06 Oct 2014 14:24:48 +0000
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