1 year and 17 days ago my world was imploding. I facilitated, fully, that moment and the events of the years leading to it by denying my gut, moving in fear, and most importantly by losing sight of the fact that I am truly worthy of being loved, and deserve that love. Somewhere in the process of doing right, putting the happiness and desires of others above my own, I no longer carried a love for myself. That morning the universe was no longer going to permit me to continue a path laden in denial and shame. I made the hardest and most influential decision of my life - and things were about to get far worse than I ever could imagine. That morning I posted: It is our worst moments who define who we are, not our best. Most folks who know me know that I am introspective. Because of this I often fail to connect dots verbally that I have worn out in my mind, forgetting that each person hears through a filter of their views, history and personality. That statement carries heavy gaps... those unconnected dots. Sitting in the then crumbling ruins of my life I was attempting to apply a quote from Deena Kaster, a Olympiad marathon runner, to my life for guidance and hope. I was trying to bolster myself with the courage to take on, steadfastly, what were sure to be the worst moments of my life to date. Her quote is: Sometimes the moments that challenge us the most, define us. I recalled that day, and Deenas quote, as I ran through the New River Gorge this morning... a place that has become such a part of me, and my newly redefined view of community, happiness, sense of self, and love of self. Love of self is not the narcissistic endeavor I always feared it to be. It is, in fact, the only way we can be capable of giving... anything... to anyone. In the past year I was challenged on every level I believe is possible. I ended an engagement. I was fired. I came as close to broke as possible paying 2 mortgages and finishing a renovation. I compound fractured my clavicle. I had every value I believe to hold true shaken - love. Trust. Friendship. Faith. Every time I thought I bottomed... the bottom dropped. But as all tides tends to do, my tide eventually turned as well. In 5 days I will be 36 years old. I am not where I thought I would be or where I once thought I was *supposed* to be by now. I have learned that this is nothing to fear. In many ways Im exactly where I was about 10 years ago, but the experiences Ive had along the way have made it clear its exactly where I should be. Crazy as it may sound, I would not change a step or give one of those moments back. By intently asking, often, What is right for me? Where does my happiness dwell? opportunities, peace and happiness have come in ways and forms I never imagined. Ive rediscovered community, friends I didnt know I had, and my concept of love is fluxing for the best. Nothing in this world remains unchanged. Ive come to believe that if we dont strive intently to change for the better, daily... if we become complacent..we are more likely to change for the worse, or at least stagnate. This journey, which Im sure will only remain as interesting, and challenging, could never have been walked without my friends and family. If you made it this far through my ridiculously long post you are most certainly one or the other. So, I thank you - and - I love you. Its going to be a great year.
Posted on: Sat, 05 Apr 2014 20:23:41 +0000
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