21 July 2014 My Lonely Teenage Heart I had lived in many places and each time I left, I rarely looked back. As a matter of fact, in each place I lived, I realised, I didn’t really form a lot of solid relationships. Hence, it was easier to pack up and move forward to a different phase — emotional or otherwise. However, there are times when I think about the past — Woodside, Farmingdale, Astoria, Manhattan, Zagreb, Paris, Bangkok, Berlin, Hoengseong, Albay, Manila, etc, and muse or cringe at some memories. Last night I couldn’t fall asleep owing to the strong Flat White I had in the afternoon (Yeah, I am no longer much of a coffee drinker — one mug in the morning is enough.). I napped for a bit and woke up at 1:30AM. As is customary with me when I wake up in the middle of the night, I would always reach for my iPhone and browse Facebook, Instagram and Twitter; after which I would play Clash of Clans or see if I have pending moves on Words with Friends or Scramble with Friends. Usually, this would put me right back to sleep. However, I didn’t go back to sleep. I was wide awake and couldn’t exactly explain now what brought me back to a particular memory or, more specifically, a person. I met N when I briefly went to this high school in Long Island City. He was a school mate’s boyfriend. We had common friends in addition to the girlfriend C and so once in a while we would hang out before school or even after school sometimes. I was a freshman and N was a sophomore. At 14-15 years old, N was a very cute boy with sparkly eyes and a very mischievous yet innocent smile. I developed a benign crush on him up until one afternoon at the movies. A group of us went to watch Pet Sematary right across from Queens Center Mall in the middle of the afternoon. I can’t recall the exact group composition save for N, C, S who was C’s best friend at that time, and myself. We were so giddy and noisy, as well as anxious about watching a horror movie. Popcorn and candies were being passed around. Amidst the chaos, N, who I think was trying to get something from someone, accidentally touched my hand. It was electric. I felt my nerves come to life and my heart beat with excitement. He touched my hand for two seconds and drew his huge and cold hand away. We looked at each other for about three seconds, not comprehending the shock we both felt. A few weeks later, I went to a friend’s party somewhere on 69th Street in Woodside. It was a party held at the basement of Barrio Fiesta, a Filipino restaurant. I was surprised to see N there. I asked where C was, but it was either she was late or couldn’t make it to the party. I don’t really recall because the most important part of the story was that N and I were dancing, talking, and kicking back a Budweiser or two. I went upstairs to most likely go to the bathroom and on my way back down, N kissed me. It was nice, but I also felt scared that C would find out or, worse yet, find us on the stairs. I let go. We didn’t talk for the rest of the night. C found out about what happened. My memory is a bit hazy, but I think I may have had told C’s best friend S and S told C, who broke up with N. Ha, high school! Haha. I felt bad, but not TOO bad because my warped teenage mind told me that he must have had liked me more than C. Importantly, I was going to finally get my chance and that he would ask me out. Instead, he asked S out and they became a couple. So now, the configuration became that C was completely out of the picture. After all, who wouldn’t feel slighted or angry at the thought that not only did N “cheat” on her, but also started dating her best friend. I was a third wheel in N and S’s relationship, hanging out with them once in a while. I was the “friend” who stuck around, hoping to witness the N-S relationship fail. I was also the stupid girl who waited to get her turn with N, but never did. A few months before my family moved to Farmingdale, I found out that S broke up with N. I called N once in a while to say hi and lost contact with S altogether. One day, I asked him if he wanted to meet up. He told me he didn’t want to, not that he couldn’t or that he was busy, but HE. DIDN’T. WANT. TO. So I wrapped my little lonely teenage heart in a box along with my stuff and moved away from Woodside forever. Last night, I thought about N. It struck me that in this day and age, one could Google anyone on this Earth or search anyone on Facebook, which I did. I found him. His profile photos are all selfies. He gained weight. I went over his photos over and over again to find the boyish dreamboat who broke my heart. There were some angles in his photos that resembled that boy from memory. However, he is just a man now, single and a restaurant supervisor. He has a very typical “Queens” fashion sense with the bomber-type jacket, a tattoo on his neck of the Libran scale (we are both Libras),and rings on his finger. I probably wouldn’t be attracted to him had I met him today nor would I even entertain the thought of going out with him, even as a friend. Based on his Facebook profile and selfies — not to be a snob, I came to a conclusion that we have nothing in common except for a brief high school memory. I went through his wall and kept clicking “See More” to see if he had public posts. I came upon a status message he wrote in September 2012, which proudly stated that he has passed his GED (high school equivalency) exam. There were many likes and congratulatory messages. While I wasn’t surprised that he dropped out of that high school (who wouldn’t, it was a terrible school!), I was taken aback that he has a GED diploma (and only that) and waited so long to get it. Finally, I went to his friends list and found that C is his Facebook friend. He must have searched her on Facebook and added her. I assumed that much because based on C’s Facebook profile she is happy and busy with her three kids, a job and a husband. At around 5:45AM, I put my iPhone down and turned my face towards the window to watch the day break. My little lonely teenage heart was kicked and shoved aside for the last time.
Posted on: Tue, 28 Oct 2014 11:55:26 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015