4am I cradle Maddys head as we wait futilely for the sun to come up. It never does. Or rather, the mist and fog obscure it, so that the thin morning light is pale and opaque. Please, dont let her leave me on a cold, foggy morning, I pray to whoever is listening to such things. She and I have been up most of the night, contemplating each other. We sit on the cold tile, partly out of her request (her favorite sleeping spot is on the tile but half of her body on the doggie bed and half on the tile, eschewing the warm, soft bed or even the carpeted bedroom floor), and partly out of necessity as shes dirtied herself and I must clean her. She has always been a proud lady, always asking to go to do her business, even now, when there is discomfort involved. As I use my fingers to grant her whatever weak comfort they can provide, I am frightened by how small she has become. A variety of old lady ailments plague her body, now thin and failing her. I can run my fingers down her spine, something she seems to enjoy, whereas in the past Id marvel at the strength those little, compact muscles held. I clean her, and apologize for the cold wet wipe and quickly apply the warm wash cloth to her private parts after offending her. But she barely notices. I use this time to cut away the mats and piles that have been building up, and she only offers a weak protest, as if saying, Really? Youre going to take advantage of me now? Its an intimate activity. I pet and massage parts of her body that for the past 13 years Ive not been allowed to touch without a recoil at best, a little nip at worst - inside her paws, inside her ears. I could probably even clip her nails shes so compliant right now, but thats going too far, even for me. I cut a perfect spiral of her beautiful, beautiful hair and place it in cabinet, just in case. Her fur, once described as champagne, is still glorious. Almost white near her neck and head, it cascades in an ombre to a luscious cream near her back and legs. Soft, slightly coiled, shes a beautiful specimen. Its still hard for me to imagine her previous owners, who had her tethered to a pole in the back yard 24/7 until a neighbor (bless them! their tenacity gave me my Maddy girl!) called and Animal Control who gave the owners a warning, and then came and took the dog from them. I hope they never got another dog. Apparently their backyard backed up into a large field and then woods, and no fence. If you touch her at night, she awakes in fear or anger, and I often think it was learned from having to sleep outside, vulnerable. I am happy to get a chance to get at these mats. Shes been running around in the big yard the past few weeks, which is moist in the morning and full of sprinkler or rain water other days - the perfect storm for a fluffy dog that likes the outdoors. I pick out a thin stick, offended its touching my baby girl. I have a lot of thoughts, not all of them wonderful. I know that if I have to take her in soon for the final vet visit, I will feel better if shes not as matted. I know that she would give them a withering glance if they even dared to imply I was not a good mum to her. If she could talk, she would say, Oh please. I hated going to the groomer more than the devil himself. She is a great mom. She let me be me. Yes, I also know that if I were a different sort of person and dumped her in a shelter because she was too old at this age, others would be judging me for her hygiene. The groomer said at her last visit that Maddy was no longer allowed unless sedated, but with her kidney and pancreas problems the vet said it was not suggested. So Maddy got to wallow happily and I neglected her by allowing it. Shes not at her cutest, thats for certain, but shes not being tortured (her words!) at the hands of the hated groomer either. The other dogs sleep on in the bedroom. The awake each time I get up, raising their heads sleepily, wondering whats going on, but keep a respectful distance. The matriarch of the family is fading on us. She hasnt garnered respect for a while though, and the evil maltese even used his wily ways to go at her once in her weakened state, as dogs do, much to my dismay, for they have lived together in relative peace for over a decade, but they are all peaceful and quiet in this time. My Maddy, my strong, independent girl. Her fluffy cute looks belied her headstrong personality. Never a cuddler, she would squirm as Id tried to hug her and smash my face into her soft, soft fur, smothering her with kisses. Have a baby already!, Id imagine her groaning. But when we could not, and we replaced our (my) maternal needs with dogs in need instead, she was always tolerant, and content to always be near me, usually at my feet napping. I remember so many things about her. They say that 3 days stick out the most - the day you get your pet, the day you realize that your pet is getting old and wont be with you forever, and the day your pet leaves this earth. Id like more memories, please. I know they fade. Maddy is the best greeter ever. No matter how long youd leave for, 5 minute, 5 hours, 5 days, shed be there to greet you by jumping up with her front paws pouncing into the ground with a Woop Woop! Maddy loves chewies and meat. Biggest carnivore dog ever. She hated vegetables and fruit so much she could pick the pieces out of any stew Id make her, leaving them disdainfully untouched in the bowl. Her eyes are remarkably bright. This is a studied change, as theyve been opaque and milky for months now. She lost her hearing about a year ago, and has had to learn visual commands from me, but lately those have been more difficult even as Id wave my hands for her, she would sometimes get confused as to how to get up the new deck ramp but appear not to see me, so I would have to follow her and touch her for guidance. Often now I pick her up and carry her and she lets me without complaint. From a girl whod bark at sounds unheard by the others outside to one fourth of July going full on panic mode to where she bloodied her mouth trying to get into the safety of the bedroom, I wondered if she found more peace in this cocoon of silence, but worried about her losing her vision too. But its probably adding more confusion, as her barking is much louder now, as if shes trying to hear herself. My tears soak the floor and her fur, but there are smiles too as I wonder and even ask her whats become of us, and many silly memories crowd in, wanting to be a part. But Im not like you, Tom [ @following atticus]. I dont find any solace or peace with this time as you did with Will. I just feel sorrow and anger. You cant blame her for being a dog, my husband would always say. No, but I can blame dogs for their lives being too short. I hug and kiss the other concerned dogs so they know I am not upset with them, and give the evil maltese a stern warning not to mess with Maddy today. I hear her too-long nails clicking on the wood floor. She struggles to get up and has to slowly lower herself. I help as much as I can but she doesnt seem to want it so I just offer support. It might be today. It might be this week. It might be in a few months, but our time together is winding down. I just hope for the strength to know what and how much to give her. Angels with silver wings, shouldnt know suffering...I wish I could take the pain for you.... Maddy, please give me the understanding to know when its time to let you go. Maddy, please give me the permission to make this decision. Maddy, please take my love forever.
Posted on: Thu, 20 Nov 2014 18:33:42 +0000