A BABY IS BORN! Let me start by saying, “Happy Birthday to Myself.” May I live to blow 178⅜ candles.Secondly, on behalf of myself, my fans and my village, It is with profound gratitude that I take this opportunity to thank H.E Uhuru Kenyatta and all Kenyans at large for declaring, honoring and gazeting 12 dec as a National Holiday which marks the end of my four days birthday celebrations .I am humbled I was born on 8th December , some few years ago.Then I was a handsome bouncing baby boy, who knew no sin and girls. I was born in a government hospital,at midday. I was expected at around midnight , but somehow I delayed.I am never punctual. I can’t remember much about my childhood, but it was worthy. I was born in before Pampers and ‘potis’ were invented.My mom took good care of me. That is why I always reiterate that all mothers will enter heaven, in fact using the V.I.P entry.I once midwifed a colleague in office, I think I told you the story. I can thus testify from experience rather than hear say; Giving birth is a nasty event. It makes one lose weight and curse God, Jesus and the husband at a unconsciously.The pregnancy itself is a nightmare.It makes you crave for Pizza boilo and fried spaghetti at midnight.Imagine carrying a 5Kg heavy bugger inside your stomach (okay, its womb) for 9 damn long months. The idiot is just inside you, helping you with nothing. It eats your food and breathes your oxygen.Some actually start throwing kicks inside you, hitting your ribs and intestines as they learn Tae Kwon do unapologetically inside your womb. They make your belly to sprout out like an anthill and cause lop-sided body imbalance where you have to walk with slightly spread legs to lower the C.O.G.When time comes for them to leave your womb they are not willing to just walk out, honorably and peacefully. You have to push, impulse and squeeze the clinging creature out, head first.Some resist, taking hours before they surrender to your pushes and thrusts, but by then you have lost 5 pounds of your blood.Lemme remind you the circumstances surrounding my birth.The day I was born was unprecedented display of a baby knowing that time to come out is neigh. I was eager to come into the world quickly because I had already heard about Sabina Joy- am kidding. The nurses gathered around me in bafflement. I was supposed to cry but apparently I was in happy moods and sincerely I was not finding anything to cry about. They turned me upside down, capsized me and shook me violently but the anticipated cry wasn’t coming.One daring nigga slapped me on the butt,nikakaza. He slapped me again, nikakausha.They gave up. I could see other mothers screaming around me, trying to force unwilling creatures into this world. I was wondering why they are so afraid to come out and join me. In my baby-ish mind actually I was fantasizing about all of us new babies in that ward organizing a small bash and toss some glasses of breast milk to celebrate our arrival.That was the beginning of a long life I have since lived. I am religiously making full useof my short stint here on Earth, cognizant of the blaring fact that one fine day I will exit into a permanent abode beyond the skies -the beautiful city wherethere is no pain, tears and all snares of this evil world.Meanwhile I am still around, counting down years and months, weeks and days,hours and minutes in pursuit of that which is worthy living for.And now, a toss to everybody who is reading this.A toss to everybody who has wished me a happy birthday.Another toss to my friends, comrades, colleagues, neighbours,relatives, admirers, fans and all humanity. :v
Posted on: Mon, 08 Dec 2014 08:29:45 +0000
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