A Couple of Conversations... I have been married for 16 years. We stopped talking or #co-parenting our 2 young children years ago. I do most of work with them. We live separate lives. He has a job which has him traveling often. I am glad when he isnt at home. I don’t have to think about it or see how bad it is between us when he is gone. I have tried to be his friend, to talk to him and to get him interested in our marriage. He is tired or says we will do it later. I married him because he cared so much about me. I don’t think so anymore. He can’t. I am ready to leave. Before I walk out, what is left for me to do? Answer: Sixteen years of being married never makes a #marriage. You have ceased being friends, having joint lifestyles and commonalities. Very often, the union has become a business arrangement versus a joint #partnership. Couples become comfortable with the arrangement because it does not lead to arguments. It resolves nothing either. Your situation is unique as it requires action from each of you. My recommendations do not relieve him. I suggest you do the following with a mediator present. If the two of you do not talk, you probably argue horribly also! With a third party, seek to learn the concerns of the other person, not to resolve them but identify. Each may believe they know what the issues are, but do you really? Next, stop doing so much for the #children and begin to delegate tasks for your husband. He may not perform them as you do. The children survive. You have help. He becomes a more active #parent. When your #husband is away you feel the relief of not being disappointed. If he is not present, you expect nothing & get nothing. This is harder when you desire his companionship & he’s home. Take 10 minutes. Go where he is in the house. Don’t talk to him about bills, the children or complain. Hold his hand. Smile. Ask him about his day. Prepare his favorite meal. As he speaks, do not interrupt him. Practice the art of intimacy by showing basic concern for him as another human being. During this time, find something to validate you. If not, your# esteem may suffer. Do not seek to secure all of your #happiness from this marriage, especially during a struggle. Keep at it! Consider having a couple with #marital experience to mentor you & your husband. Ask questions from other successful #couples. Sixteen years should not be wasted. It can be recycled to create something new. Naaila Moumaris-Clay, MS, Marriage and Family Counseling
Posted on: Fri, 28 Mar 2014 03:46:24 +0000
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