A bit of a long-winded update………. It is requird You do awake your Faith. The Winter’s Tale Viii First, I apologize for being so out-of-communication once again. I am finding this time to be one of great challenge, not only to my body, but also to my soul. I am living in the duality of experiences that are in direct opposition to one another. Or perhaps they are not in opposition, but merely encompass the whole in a way that is unknown and unexpected. On the one hand, I am deeply, deeply grateful for my life, for the time I have been given, for the blessing of medical treatment, and for the people who continue to hold me up through this journey. But, on the other hand, I simply have to acknowledge that sometimes it is extraordinarily difficult to live in the aftermath of Cancer treatment. Survivorship is an interesting transition. For 14 months my days revolved around literally saving my life through the most brutal of means: Radiation and the Chemo that created Cardio-toxicity, Lower Anterior Resection surgery and the subsequent Ileostomy, six months of Chemotherapy that created waves of nausea and ongoing diarrhea, and finally, the Ileostomy take-down surgery (that reconnected my parts once again). Taken separately, each foray into the world of Cancer treatment created challenge and loss. Taken together, they gave me more time to be and create and love and experience all of the joys and sorrows of life. I do not take this gift lightly, but give thanks for every day that I have been given. But now I am walking through the after-effects of what my body endured for those 14 months. Due to LAR Syndrome I am tethered to my home and bathroom most of every day, and face the uncertainty of feeling unsafe in the world when I do venture out of the house. Not being able to trust my unpredictable body has led to isolation and a vague sense of insecurity and hesitation about how I engage in the world. I work extremely hard to claim peace and acceptance of where my body is in its healing process, but I also find myself rebelling against the notion that this is the reality of my present existence. Intellectually I understand that most people need at least 1 year to reach a new “normal” of body functionality, but emotionally it is difficult to feel so limited and out-of-control. (Again, the duality of my days.) I also continue to deal with Chemotherapy Induced Peripheral Neuropathy in my feet and fingertips. At its most basic, it means that it is painful to be on my feet. It is an oddly disconcerting experience of feeling numb from my feet up into my calves while at the same time feeling intervals of “electric shocks” running under the surface of my skin. It may be when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work, and that when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey. Wendell Berry The VA can no longer hold my part-time job open for me. I have nothing but gratitude for their amazing support over the last 16 months, but it is a stressful time to become unemployed. I simply do not know when I will be able to pursue new employment, but in the biggest sense of what is good and right, I know that it is time to be in a job that makes more use of my gifts and passions. As my Surgeon said, “Many people view their Cancer experience as an opportunity to reset their life. Most feel that they simply don’t have time to be in a job that isn’t fulfilling or satisfying”. I am holding faith that the right job will appear when it is time. Until then, I must simply walk through this present moment with as much grace as possible. Within all of the challenges, there are also simple gifts: the perfection of a few raspberries or a local apricot (after almost a year away from anything other than bananas, it is exquisite to treat my taste buds to the small amount of fresh fruit I can eat during the day); the sweet companionship of my cat Charlie as he accompanies me to the bathroom almost every single time I venture that direction; Mopsa’s presents of ribbons and catnip toys that somehow appear in bed overnight; free e-book downloads from the library means guilt-free reading; a new Doctor specializing in Cancer Rehabilitation (technically he is an Oncology Physiatrist who also has his Master’s and Doctorate in Counseling Psychology) who spent 90 minutes with me for an intake evaluation. He also gave me two poems as I left the room. Now how many doctors share art or literature as a source of support and inspiration???; the window air conditioner that keeps me cool as long as I am within about 3 feet of the air flow; my 24 year old rose survived being transplanted to a sunnier spot earlier this summer (who knew it would be this sunny?); the pleasure of visits from friends who love me despite my messy home; engaging my brain again in a small study group suggested by the remarkable Carly Goodkin (we’re looking at Ovid’s influence on Shakespeare); the constancy of friends and loved ones who send cards and phone just when I need it most; and the countless other large and small joys to be discovered each and every day. “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” ― Mary Oliver In the midst of what sometimes feels like overwhelming obstacles, I know deep within that my path through the dark will lead me to a new sense of where I am to serve next in this beautiful, ever-amazing world we share. As I sometimes stumble forward, I continue to claim agency in my life. I recognize my power to shape my days and nights into something vibrant, joyful, and filled with light, creativity, and love. To echo Mary Oliver, “what do you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” With deep gratitude to each and every one of you who continue to walk with me, ~julie
Posted on: Tue, 05 Aug 2014 23:56:52 +0000