A few people have been asking what’s going on with Trudy and me, and I’ve decided to let it all out. In a very small nutshell – I’m an idiot. The bigger nutshell goes thusly; for a while now I’ve had a friend (female) who lives in Sydney. Through talking to each other on here we’ve grown as friends, but obviously it was never going to be anything more than that. So many reasons why, the biggest being that I love my girlfriend. Some may be questioning why I felt the need to be talking to a girl online. To me it was completely innocent. I’ve always had female friends in my life, one of them I consider one of my very best friends. I can be friends with a girl and not want anything more. But I realize why people frown upon that at times because the bad apples spoilt the custom for the rest of the good bunch. There have been things in mine and Trudy’s relationship developing for a while now that were prohibiting me from being 100% happy, although I wasn’t conscious of this until now. I thought I was happy. I’m not going to air out the details, but it’s stuff that (had I been aware) should have been discussed with her. I get the impression she wasn’t completely happy either. I think part of me, rather than taking an introspective glance at my current state, felt like being a bit rebellious and found comfort talking to this friend. When I decided to go to Supanova in Sydney I assumed Trudy and I would be going, but she said she didn’t want to. Rather than spend the day down there on my own I invited my friend to come along and hang out. She accepted. I liked the idea of meeting this friend in person for the first time but had no idea how to approach Trudy about it. That’s the point where I should have really reconsidered my actions and realized what I was doing was a big mistake, but instead I decided it would be a good idea to bend the truth (lie) and tell Trudy that it was my friend who asked if she could tag along while I’m down there. In hindsight – what the hell was I thinking? In the 4 years I’ve been with Trudy I’ve not lied to her once. Until now. I did it because I wanted to get what I wanted without upsetting her, which I know now was utterly the wrong thing to do. Last night Trudy found out the truth about what’s been going on, and was rightfully devastated. Despite that there was going to be nothing going on other than two friends hanging out, Trudy feels as though I’ve cheated on her. I don’t see it that way, but semantics aside I did hurt her and now I’m absolutely beating myself up over it. I’ve made a terrible mistake, but I never claimed to be perfect. I just hope we can get past this and become stronger from it. If I wasn’t completely happy before I’m far worse off without her now. The silence in the apartment is deafening.
Posted on: Sat, 08 Jun 2013 09:15:31 +0000