Achievements for today: Man i feel completely out of control, im not sure whether its ED or the fact that i have my interview tomorrow thats causing me much anxiety as both seem to be blurring into one. Oh god oh god, i feel like something bad is going to happen. Ive been feeling this way all day and ok nothing terrible has happened so far (touch wood) i still fear this uncomfortable dread. I want to feel ok, relieved that its over but unlike the interview tomorrow wont end there. Ive been feeling really tired since yesterday, i think Brighton mustve really taken it out of me without me realising it. Im still feeling bad that i never made it to yoga yesterday and the fact that ive done no self practice to make up for missing my fix. Im feeling like i dont know which way to turn, i saw the nurse today and he said i need to increase my diet and up my carbs. This has created much torment in my head as i feel that with all the sitting down im doing that this alone will contribute to weight gain. But the fact ive been feeling hungry to the point of being unable to concentrate, Dan says this is because my body is crying out for food. But how do i go about adding even more in when ive just added the toast and this has been far from easy. I have however done it everyday since Friday, ok my breakfast is now a very drawn out affair. But its going in, no matter how small i have to cut the toast into pieces. Im still weighing the marmite to the recommended 4g as i am unable to eyeball it yet but i will push myself to stop doing this once i feel more confident. Oh god oh god the milk ive just put on, but now ive had some lettuce, quite a lot in fof thatact, im getting confused at what is anxiety or hunger and this is quite distressing. What if i never feel satisfied this is a really scary thought, and one in which i fear would mean a complete loss of control. I wish i could just feel ok, normal and not have this torment that im continually feeling. Oh god lettuce why did i do that, on top of what felt a huge tea of pulses and mash. Dan was quite helpful today in that we talked about food plans which we never seem to do, but although he couldnt offer me any solutions, just to eat more, up my portions and include more carbs, i did take in what he was saying in that if i really want to get better and achieve the target weight that ive set myself, then im going to need to eat more to show significant weight gain. Oh man my back pain hurts, its worse when im anxious and thou ive taken my pain killers im still left in pain. Please let me sleep tonight ive been feeling so tired of late, i really need to sleep but as soon as it comes time to turn in im wide awake again. Ok despite my fear the milk is going down slowly but surely. I dont know if this is crazy to think this but im wondering because i had to open a new bottle of milk whether there is more fat at the top. I think this stems from the time when we used to get our milk from the milkman as kids and being told the cream was on the top. i did give it a shake all the same but it hasnt stopped me worrying. I do this likewise with my breakfast juice thou in reverse that the bottom of the juice carton is thicker and thus more calorific. Crazy or logical do not know but i guess i really have to think does it really matter? I guess its eds way of trying to control everything in sight. I think my problem and one i have to get my head round is that we cant control everything that happens in our lives and really must learn to cope and sit with all the unknowns. Wouldnt life then be more exciting, less heavy, more relaxing and would free space to think about more worthwhile things. Oh god im still freaking, what if i dont sleep? My plans for an early night have been scuppered by procrastination and an iPhone and computer that kept freezing. Anyway i should get back to the achievements so as to not bore you with all my whinging and tales of anxiety. Like i said i managed my breakfast in full including the extra toast, i will need to get faster but whilst im on new ground i think this is the least of my worries. As long as it goes in thats the main thing. I still cant taste it which is really strange. Tomorrow will be hard too as its my first of two sandwiches for the week and thus that means 3 slices of bread in 1 day and for someone that struggles with bread this will be a huge challenge but one i will take on. So back to today, i didnt give in and go for a walk, i sat doing my sheets for my appointment and then got on with some work. But it has meant that ive been in this constant state of anxiety, clocking up all the time ive been sat and doubly guilty that i sat on the train both ways and took myself home half an hour earlier than planned on account of feeling tired and knowing that it would be only for eds benefit and not for Fme. So ive had my food, snacks and all, still feeling a backlash of feeling, onward i roll,,,x
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 01:25:18 +0000
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