Achievements for today: The act of ignoring the number on the scales and carrying on anyway, has been the order of the day today. Not easy but necessary if im going to beat this disorder once and for all. Breakfast went down in full, i even cut the time it took down by 15 minutes, as mum pointed out that taking hours to eat was not normal. So along with challenging what time i eat, ive also got to work on the length of time it takes me to eat it. You see i multi task as a means of distraction, have a bit to eat then do crossword or go on my phone, then a mouthful more and read a bit, you get the picture. I do this to get the food down me but i think i need to eat more mindfully as otherwise the food doesnt register and ill never learn to taste things or decipher what i do and dont like. So thats the aim anyway, ill let you know how i get on. I have been better with my times over the last few days which is all good, its a challenge and today was one of them. Feeling strangely full (which scared me that had i overeaten or was it cos i hadnt exercised), it was a battle to still have my food, if on autopilot, but i did it all the same, despite the fear and uncomfortable feelings going on in my head. Im even going to try and get to bed at a reasonable time tonight, i havent done any work which is probably something i shouldnt be proud of but staying up till 1 every night will do nothing for my mood and see a drop in energy levels. Ive been feeling so tired and quite dizzy at times so im thinking this is cos i may be in a zombie state, too wired to sleep and then unable to lie in as i have to get breakfast in. But its so hard to feel like im not working hard enough and to give myself a break, but i feel overwhelmed and am juggling too many plates at one time and need to be strict with self that my health must come first otherwise nothing else will happen as it should. I just wish i could take a day off, im tired and want a break, battling ED is a full time occupation, 7 days a week. Right milks gone on i havent delayed it and once cool i will get it down me to end the day with a tick. Ive been battling all day with the deliberation of what to do about my food plan, i know i need to up it and a message from a friend and a ticking off from mum yesterday has made me feel guilty and that i should be further along than i am. But ive been scared and ED has tried to convince me that i can stay as i am. But not if i want to be well i cant so i had made the decision to up my potatoes, not an easy challenge by any means and when the weight went up this morning i thought how can i possibly do it now. So thats what has been plaguing my mind all day, i had planned to up my mash by 50g and an extra potato on the days i have those. But then i felt i couldnt do it, it was all too much and i almost chickened out, ED telling me not to do it cos then i will suffer in mood. But the thought of failing also didnt sit well so i struck a compromise and upped the mash by 25g extra, this sat better and ive come to the conclusion that i will try and increase my portion in bits and this may feel more manageable and more in control. Yes this is some would say dragging it out, but other than you guys i am on my own here and its not easy. I did feel quite proud that i upped it slightly and tomorrow i shall add another new potato to my plate and pledge to keep going in this manner. Im scared to feel full cos like i said i worry that ive eaten too much or not exercised enough, but equally i am also feeling scared when i feel hungry cos i cant concentrate on my work and am worried i might lose control and have to eat something. It really is quite confusing especially as this has no correlation to what i have or have not eaten. I cant go on my hunger drives as this would be chaos, hence the reason im supposed to stick to times. Ive been feeling uncomfortably full all day, so much so that i had to lie down after breakfast, feeling sick and unable to move, yet now im feeling hungry so whats that all about, ive had my food so im confused now and worrying that maybe this is telling me that i should be eating more. I want to get on to a food plan where i feel satisfied, im not thinking about food all the time, my body is not in pain and im gaining the necessary weight a bit at a time. All this juggling and deliberating is doing me no favours. Help! It seems so easy, just eat but giving myself the permission is something im finding hard to do. If anyone has any thoughts on this please let me know. I had planned this morning to clean the flat, do some yoga and go and pick up my prescription but on account of feeling tired and sick i had to lie down and learn twitter from my bed instead. So now i feel guilty as i havent exercised, ive been feeling tired this evening too and now i feel out of control. I did go out this afternoon to the shops and i know this sounds crazy but i was actually quite worried and hope im not getting social anxiety as i dont want to be housebound. But whilst out my bag strap broke so this was quite annoying and i couldnt find anywhere to fix it. (oh god my back pain is really killing me please dont mean a painful night, better take those painkillers and hope it subsides). I did also make a dent in the ironing pile and i can now see my carpet having piled the mags up out of those strewn on the floor, so thats all good and like i said i did start up my Style me Serenity twitter account so along with Facebook, Pinterest and now Twitter im slowly but surely achieving my goals of getting my social networking platforms up and running before i hopefully (i am biting my lip thinking about this) begin my course. I am feeling a tad overloaded so if anyone has any tweeting tips and how to find some interesting tippets id be again very grateful to know. I feel like maybe ive gone on a bit so ill stop here, im going to reread an apple a day in the vain hope it shifts something in my brain. Heres hoping anyway x. +ve thought: small steps make giant leaps, dont lose momentum and dont forget to move your feet.
Posted on: Sat, 16 Aug 2014 22:02:09 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015