All I can say is THANK GOD for meds! Its crazy to look back now and try and remember the black dark place that I was in only a year ago! I had literally given up...resigned myself to the belief that I was stuck in a hole with no way out and absolutely no point or purpose to continue on. I was ready to pack it all in. I was at a level of complete disparity that I had never known before. Life just seemed to present one kick to the guts after another. I was spending my evenings literally trolling the internet for ways and means to easily end my life. I settled on Barbiturates and made a decision that no matter what, I was going to obtain some. I had convinced myself that a visit to the doctor would somehow facilitate this with my chronic insomnia and anxiety that was progressively becoming worse and worse. The barbiturates would have allowed me to simply go to sleep, and not wake up again. I was ready. I had reached that point. I know firsthand how it feels to stand on the edge looking back at my life and feeling nothing but regret for it. Regret for being born. Regret for every second and every botched and buggered up moment, every bad choice, decision and mistake. The visit to the doctor did not go as I had planned it would. She touched a nerve and I broke down. I cried like I have never known myself to cry EVER. Immediately she referred me to Mental health services for a psychiatric assessment. To look back to this seems crazy now, that this was me! Luckily I am that this did happen and that someone could see that I needed help. Help came and I accepted it. I didnt want to die, I simply felt there was no way my life would ever improve. It was pain..mentally numbing anquish. I had given up, and then I had been saved. Many hours of counselling I went through and now being put on meds for the remainder of my life has really changed things in every way. I am the old me again! I am laughing, I am happy, optimistic and hopeful. I now have goals, I now believe in myself! I am doing well. This year alone has seen many positive changes in my life. I have started a small business that so far has exceeded any expectations I had in terms of demand. I have bought a new car for the first time in my life..newer at least than any old bomb I have previously owned. My child support payment obligations are now legally over, so financially I am better off than I have been in 19 years. I now have retirement savings, and a little extra to put away for rainy days. Life right now for me, could not really get any better, but I know it will :) Thank you to all of my friends for being here for me, through all of it. My moods, my depression, my self loathing. The dark days are behind me now, there is only light ahead!
Posted on: Mon, 18 Aug 2014 08:22:21 +0000
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