An excerpt from the book: On the topic of reflection, isolation and depression There was a deep-seeded depression that I didnt quite understand. I could never accurately put my finger on it, but it was always there, deep in my heart and I think I confused it a lot with fear. In my eyes fear and depression are one in the same sometimes. There is always a fear of the unknown and what to expect. And there is an even bigger fear of what we do know to expect. Looking back then it seemed like my teenage years up until 21 went by so quickly. If I had only known what was going to be ahead for me I think I would’ve spent more time enjoying it but as it goes; life is always a mystery like that. I thought about the fact that I wished I had gone to my senior prom. Those silly things would pop in my head all the time and replay constantly. It seems so crazy to other people but I was letting go of a crucial part of me that I would never get back. It was an end of freedom and the definition of whom I used to be and that was very hard to let go of. I had already mourned the loss of Noah’s life as a typical child but now I was dealing with the loss of my own life. And it’s okay to feel selfish like that. That wheelchair marked a very symbolic time of letting go of my past and moving forward as a parent and a teacher and a responsible person for my son. There were many tears shed over that wheelchair because I knew as soon as it came to our house Noah would never walk. And there it sat.....Mocking me I put Noah’s wheelchair in the corner of the room and used it as a laundry holder. For as long as I could keep him in his stroller I did, that way I didnt have to face any more of the truth that I needed to. And he still acted like a baby. He was three years old and still conquering small tasks like holding a rattle for more than a minute and he was just beginning to hold his head up on his own. I couldnt dare deal with a wheelchair because that would mark the end of my baby and put him in a new category of a disabled child. I let go of the old me during this time. I found that it was time to move on because the person I thought I was, had to be much more different than the person I was becoming. And although that scared me at times, I had to believe that the person I was looking at was more equipped to handle the things that were happening. I thought about old friends and old memories and I learned to appreciate those times that I had. Even the hard times that I went through in high school and youth had built me into the person that was emerging. Reflection was allowing me the chance to spread my wings and remove myself from this cocoon that I had tried to stay in. I let go of fears and insecurities, I reflected on past events that I thought were devastating then and I could appreciate the strength I gained from those moments. I thought about the critical people that were in my life as a child that taught me traits that would mold me into being a powerful and strong advocate for my child. It was during that reflection stage I found myself. It was the defining moment my special needs child met his mother. https://createspace/4979806 A Place In The Sun: 7 stages of special needs parenting
Posted on: Sun, 21 Sep 2014 21:06:17 +0000
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