As I sit here getting ready for my 6th procedure in 4 months it is hard not to look back at the road that I have been on and not be thankful for this life that I am fighting so hard for. I get asked on a regular basis how I stay so positive and so strong through all of this. In fact my wife asked me that question yesterday, and my normal answer is that this is the only life I know. So good bad indifferent it is still life. Therefore I can spend it thinking of all the things that I have lost. Or I can focus on the good things that I have, and make the most of the time that I have. However, tonight upon further reflection I see that in in some ways this was also a gift. Dont get me wrong this is not something that I would have chosen or a path that I would wish upon my worst enemy, but in so many ways it has opened my eyes to all of the little things that previously I would have let go unnoticed. It has woken me up from the monotony of normal life and made me savor every day and every interaction. As I rode home from work in the rain yesterday as soon as I got out of the car rather than run inside in order to keep from getting wet, I looked up at the sky and committed to memory what it felt like to have rain crashing down upon my face. After all it is only water and I am not going to melt, but for a short time I got to feel rain on my skin and I tried to remember what it was like to smell a day that was made fresh after rain had washed away the dirt and the dust of the previous day. I lived my life with very few regrets. When push came to shove I always acted and I always did that way I never looked back and said I wish I had, however as with anything I began to take this life for granted. I fell into a routine that no longer created excitement with every day, and years ago I traded a lot of my time for what I thought would be tools for building a future and they were all packaged within more stature and more money, tied to more hours working in a job. I lost the balance that one needs in life to understand that living is not living if you are only doing things in the anticipation of one day I will. I traded late nights at the office and business trips for times with my family and friends, and over time I honestly convinced myself that I was happy with that trade off because the future payment would make up for all of my immediate sacrifice. What I didnt take into consideration was the fact that tomorrow is promised to no man. That life can stop and dance on a dime then move in a different direction anytime it chooses. So now I am reminded on a daily basis how beautiful this life is, because if I want to continue to live it, I really have to fight for it. So when I am asked now how I stay so positive, I can now say that it is because life is a beautiful thing and that I am choosing to see the good in life, to participate in my life, to hopefully do some good in this life and to be thankful for all the good that I see on a regular basis. One never knows how much he is really loved until a crisis of life takes place. I have obviously had such a time in my life and honestly I could not feel more loved. A couple of days ago I mentioned to my wife that I was constantly dry and that it was getting hard for me to breathe at home because we didnt have a humidifier and it was really drying me out. Somehow one of my friends David Lattanzio found out about this and placed a phone call to one of his friends who runs the Homedics team here in town. Next thing I know he shows up at my house with a room humidifier for the house, and a personal humidifier for my office that Homedics just donated to me because of the situation that I am in. Neither one of them needed to do that. There was no reason other than good people just being good and helping me when I didnt even ask for help, but somehow they new I needed it. Another example of how blessed I am is what happened to me last night. It deserves a little back story. You see one of the hardest parts about my situation is the disappointment that I see in my sons eyes when they ask me to go outside and play, or they ask me to do something that previously I could do, but recently I cannot. They are good boys and they try to hide their disappointment, but any parent who knows their children can see it written on their faces. Most recently I saw that look when right after Turkey day they asked me if we were going to put up our Christmas lights. I had to tell them no because this year I just physically wasnt able to, and their mother couldnt do it without me. They both said it was ok, but I could tell that they wanted lights. I had resolved myself to making it up to them next year when the most amazing thing happened. My friend Kevin Yingst called me up and let me know that one of my neighbors Trent and Amanda Ragar owned a company that put up Christmas lights, and that they knew about my situation and wanted to help out in their own way by having their company decorate my house with lights. I was and am floored and grateful, and yesterday they showed up at my house with a huge group of their people and made my house look like a giant lit up candy cane. I mean they did the most amazing job putting red and white lights on every ledge, tree, window and plant. It is honestly the best lighting job I have seen so far and they did it for no other reason that they knew I couldnt, and they knew I had two little boys at home that deserved lights on Christmas. So I ask myself every day how could I even contemplate walking through this life angry at my situation when I am blessed in so many different ways. The only reflection I have now is about how much time I wasted being unnecessarily upset with my life. How many times in the past did I hate my day for no other reason than it was Monday and I had a long work week ahead of me. How many times did I allow something so little or insignificant that I wouldnt even remember in a week ruin my day because I gave it power over me. That doesnt happen anymore. Today I get to choose and tomorrow I get to choose. I get to decide if I am going to get pissed off because my cloths are getting wet, or if I am going to look up into the sky and remember what it is like to feel rain falling down upon me. Life is filled with beauty and kindness and hopefully small miracles that happen daily. It is up to all of us to wake up to them and to find the balance that we all need in our lives. I may be different, and I may be in pain a lot or dealing with 4 too many trips to the hospital, but how many people get to honestly see if they are loved or if they have touched the lives of others enough to make others want to care for you and your family when all the pieces have fallen to the floor. I am blessed and only pray that if you are reading this that you dont wait for some life altering experience to happen to you in order for you to start participating and loving your life. I say that because first I would not wish tragedy upon anyone, and second if you are waiting for that life altering moment to wake you up to all this world has to offer it would be even more tragic if that day never came. Live well my friends and I will see you on the other side of another procedure. May you all have an amazing holiday season.
Posted on: Tue, 09 Dec 2014 12:29:22 +0000
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