As is to be expected, the cover of Mishpacha this past week was about shidduchim. The shidduch crisis, to be more exact. No, the shidduch *catastrophe*. I shouldve known better than to read an article with a headline of Save our desperate daughters! The usual arguments were regurgitated. We need to close the age gap, guys need to start dating younger, we cant help those above the age of 25, but we need to make these changes to save future generations, blahblahblah. Really, none of this is helpful. All these programs and initiatives and money thrown after the problem will help some couples, and it is true that guys are open to dating older girls whereas just a few years ago they werent, but I see a major cause of the problem only getting worse and unaddressed. To address it would be admitting to a major problem in the yeshivish world, a problem I see growing stronger every day, and to question it and oppose it is sacrilegious. You want to save your desperate daughters? How about not forcing them into a system which only promises degradation and humiliation? Do you want your daughters to be able to walk down to the chuppah with their heads held high, or do you want them to go through a system which beats them down at every turn? The steps a kallah meidel is pressured to take in order to get a shidduch (because theres a shidduch crisis, you see) are wrong, demeaning, and not the way of the Torah. The Torah says a man is supposed to go after a woman. Why has that been dropped? Why is a girl expected to go to the guy? Why has it become normal for a guys mother to meet the girls before granting them the privilege of dating her son? Why, in a society which stresses tznius uber alles, are girls asked to submit pictures of themselves, and when they dont feel comfortable doing so, are told this is whats expected nowadays, thats the only way youll get to a date? Why are girls running around to tens of shadchanim as soon as they come home from seminary? Why are girls worrying about getting a B in 9th grade, lest that B affect their seminary acceptance and hence the quality of their shidduchim? Why do girls have to grovel to get a shadchan to answer the phone, let alone redt her a worthwhile shidduch? I dont do numbers. I dont know if the age gap is a real or concocted problem. What I do know is that even the vast majority of girls who get married have to travel a very painful and debasing road to get there...and the sad part is so many of the young girls dont even realize it. This is just how things are, theyre just doing what theyre told, and it works for them. If you truly want to save your daughters, raise them with dignity. Raise them with self-respect. Raise them with pride. And raise your sons to appreciate those qualities in a woman, and then you will have true batei neaman byisroel. Note: This post is way out of my comfort zone. I feel passionate enough about the issue to write it and share it publicly, but I just needed to mention that this makes me uncomfortable! :-)
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 02:02:04 +0000
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