As only a handful of you might know, on 08/11/14 I was involved in a car accident. But this isnt what this post is about. This post is about learning what Mercy is all about and how, had I not had this accident, I may have never known its true meaning. Several years ago I was diagnosed with Depression. Ugh, I hate that word! Depression but be that as it may, I was depressed and hid it from everyone that I could. I kept denying that fact that it just might be a real thing and so did the family around me. I constantly felt the need to be a people pleaser, I cared way too much about what everyone thought or said to me. I shut myself in, I didnt want to do anything. I constantly felt that I didnt deserve anything good that happened to me. I felt helpless, couldnt sleep, an constantly felt anxious and felt like I was constantly being judged by everyone. It was almost like I was drowning, but was able to watch everyone around me breathing. Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer it is essentially, a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the door. In the last year and a half though I have slowly come to terms with this diagnosis. I have embraced it and decided that this WILL NOT defy me in any way. In coming to terms with this decision I have also began a closer walk with Thee if you will. Something I should have done a long time ago. Ive always believed in God, just never took time to know Him personally. As I began to take a step back and evaluate everything and everyone around me, I began to realize that over the last 5 or so years ago, I had lost my voice. Meaning that I had somehow allowed myself to bite my tongue and hold my breath. So I sat quietly and agreed politely. I guess that I forgot I had a choice. I stood for nothing and fell for everything. Fast forward a bit, each day I travel nearly 92 miles to and from work Monday thru Friday. And each day I stop a little under half way at this little gas station, and somehow, since moving back home, I constantly got behind this same guy in this same car. Every. Single. Day. Who annoyingly would stop at this same gas station and inevitably get in front of me in line. Always used a credit card for $2-3 transactions. Was always slow. Every morning, just like routine I would begin huffing and puffing under my breath. Irritated that I had to wait 4 minutes longer everyday to get to work. On 08-11-14 Monday morning It had just began to rain. I came around a sharp turn and lost control of my vehicle. My seatbelt wouldnt come off fast enough. I crawled out of my car, came to my senses and realized I had no phone service. I was scared, alone, hurt, worried, anxious and just as quick as those air bags flew out at me just a few moments earlier, came those same feelings just like depression. Those same exact feelings that I had been able to tuck away with the help of medication. And then there he was; that same guy that I follow or somehow got stuck behind every single day prior coming around the curve. The first one to stop, the first one to care, that same guy that I had come to judge so quickly and so easily. The one to drive me to that same gas station. Only this time, it was me he was waiting on. It was because of me that this man was going to be behind on whatever schedule he held, and never thought twice about it. It was that same man that wouldnt leave my side until he knew that help was on the way. Now, here comes the part where I have learned what Mercy is. I was raised where if I done something wrong, I would get in trouble. There was nothing I could do and nothing I could say. Thats just the way it was. In one way or another one always has to pay for their mistakes. You reaped what you sowed sort of thing. I was never taught about Gods mercy though. Im not sure what I thought mercy was. I guess I hadnt really thought about it. As some of you already know, I am going through a divorce that will be final in November. As a Mother I felt guilty and felt like I let my beautiful children down because divorce was the last thing they needed. I felt like I let my Mom and anyone who thought highly of me, down. I let God down. And because I wasnt familiar of His Mercy, I have fought and fought with myself and constantly felt like I needed and deserved to be punished for letting those close to me down. The divorce is something I hadnt told to anyone because again, I didnt want to be judged for something so common as a divorce and have to explain myself over and over again as to why because I was ashamed of the thought of a divorce. I had asked God to forgive me over and over because divorce is sinful. And I just could NOT move passed it. And just as clear as day I realized one thing. I had ALREADY been forgiven. I was forgiven the very first time I had asked for forgiveness and then it was forgotten and was understood as to why. Not by me, but by Him because He is merciful. Being merciful, I now realize means to NOT judge the exterior of ones reflection. But rather, to look in anothers soul and try to understand their reasoning behind their actions, and try to understand where they are coming from and what they have been through and where their heart truly lies. To try to see something through their eyes instead of our own. Anothers actions arent really our place to judge or to criticize. And to be honest, Ive beat myself up enough and put myself through hell enough already from my own parents getting a divorce upto my very own; and quite frankly, IM OVER IT! I will never be able to move forward with criticism from others or from myself. Somewhere along the line of my going-through, I have found my very own break-through. Because I have finally stopped criticizing my exterior and looked in my interior. Where my heart is and where its always been (minus a few years). I know see that my children have more people that love and care for them than one ever thought possible. That our families combined have a huge mass of support for our kids. I now see that the ones that love me most look passed my flaws. No matter how big or how small. Because once you begin to truly love someone, its whats on the inside that truly counts, and they too become Merciful. I still leave at the same time every morning, I still travel the same road from McConnelsville to Jackson. And every morning I hope to run into this same man that I used to every morning to just say Thank You. The girls that work at the gas station hasnt seen him since the day he was seen with me. He seemed to know an awful lot about my hometown though through conversation we had while attempting to keep me calm. God, an Angel, a coincidence perhaps? Im not sure. But the reminder is still constant each morning since then to BE STILL! And that maybe, JUST MAYBE, our greatest disappointments, are our Mercies in disguise! If you know someone who suffers from depression, be kind to them. Be reassuring. Lend an ear, or a hand. Dont ever take for granted that someone that smiles daily isnt crying him/her self to sleep every night hoping someone could hear their silent plea. Ask them to go to church if you attend. Let them know that you are there and that you care. Be strong for them and with them. You just may be the very thing that they need. Thank God someone exactly like that came to my rescue. Even though they had no idea what they were up against. Thank God that for some reason this person wanted to be here for me and reached out to me. And for some reason I was able to trust them when I had lost my trust in everyone for very good reasons. Without that person I would have never began going to church again. Because of them, I have been able to find strength. Someone believed in me and stood up for me. A feeling that I had almost lost. As much as you want to plan your life, It has a way of surprising you with unexpected things that will make you happier than you had originally planned. That is what you call Gods will! Im not perfect and am the last person on earth to ever claim to be. I still drink beer, I still judge even though Im trying not to, I still cuss occasionally, I still get mad at the most silliest things, Im human. Sometimes I still feel like Im going through more than I can bear. But you know what? At least Im going through and that Im not where I used to be. And for that I am thankful. Everyone has a life changing story and this is mine. Were all going through one thing or another. But that shouldnt stop you from getting to where you are meant to be! ❤️
Posted on: Fri, 22 Aug 2014 03:30:20 +0000
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