As the clock slowly turned to 12:01 AM this evening I began a day on my personal calendar that is absolutely dreadful. On October 8, 1995, I took one wrong step that forever changed my life. While living in an off-campus house in Troy, Alabama I fell from the balcony. Although I had an absolutely mucked up life for a 19-year-old child, I began a journey into disappointment, depression, and pain that few people will ever know. The fall from the second-story left me paralyzed from below the collarbones and facing a life of challenges, both physically and mentally, that most will never be able to comprehend. I cannot begin to count the endless number of prayers that I have prayed just to step back in time one minute before this catastrophe or the number of changes in my life that I promised God I would make in that life if I could have just one chance to live it over again. Since that night I have gone through immense physical pain, but that physical pain does not hold a candle to the emotional devastation I have had to suffer through over the years. I have to say that my injury and the life I have lived since has left me with three great regrets that are overpowering all others: 1) not having children, 2) not being able to travel, and 3) the affect it has had on those around me. I was not blessed with the most stable familial structure throughout my childhood and thought that it was always my destiny to be the father that I never had. Though I do not get as much time to spend with them as I would like, I bask in the pride I feel for my nieces and nephew, but it is not sufficient to stop having the repeated pangs for fatherhood. I believe I was meant to be someone’s daddy. If you have children, envelop yourself in the minutia of things that they do that makes you happy and dismiss the bad times as nothing more than well learned experience. Although it may seem trivial to most, not being able to travel is a constant heartbreak. I so envy those of my friends who live a lifestyle where they can jet set to another part of the country or world at the drop of a hat. Experiencing other cultures is as much if not more of an education as anyone could receive from the greatest of classrooms. If you can, save up your money for that dream vacation you have always wanted to take. There is no time like the present and, trust me, tomorrow never comes. And, finally, my greatest regret is the affect that my accident has had on those around me. I am sure it is somewhat understandable to most the extreme emotional strain that losing so much of my abilities and faculties have had on me, but knowing that others have suffered because of this calamity is even more painful. I try not to feel animosity towards the many that have disappeared from my life whether it be immediately after my injury or in the years that have passed since, because I do not know if I could have ever been as loyal as the few that have stood by me if I were ever to have been put in their place. But if I even think about the emotional strain that my life has put on others it absolutely decimates me. For those of you who are still standing beside me after 19 years, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. For those of you who were not able to handle the emotional roller coaster that my friendship has brought with it, you are always welcome back in my life. And for those who loved me enough to be hurt by my actions, I apologize to you because I know it is hard to watch me struggle through life. But, I beg you, do not be afraid to love someone so much that their well-being might hurt you. Life is too short not to experience love. Love is all that matters. It does not matter if it is given or if it is received, the power of love is what unites us and the is the only true way to gauge the success of one’s life. When I was injured on 10/8/95, I was 19 years, 8 months, and 18 days old. On June 26, 2015 I will have reached the time where I have lived as much of my life paralyzed as I did when I was able-bodied. Though I usually celebrate October 8 as a sort of “re-birthday” and try to spend it with friends as a jovial experience, I will not this year. I guess I will save the celebration for June 26 – everyone is invited.
Posted on: Wed, 08 Oct 2014 05:00:23 +0000
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