As the first anniversary of Melicia’s passing approaches I’m finding myself feeling apprehensive and wondering if I will get through that week and a half without breaking down. This experience is what it must be like to be on capsized boat and you’ve been sucked under the water and you’re struggling to reach the surface; you have no control over your emotions and they go from one extreme to another. I’ve found that no matter how much I believe Melicia’s in a better place that it doesn’t take away the pain of the loss I feel, the loneliness and the feelings of hopelessness. Then there are the feelings of abandonment, feeling out of place, feeling like part of you is missing, wondering how others have seemingly gotten on with their lives and you feel like people are avoiding you like you’re a leper or something. So you put on a happy face and pretend you’re doing okay even on those days that you may not feel that good. Also Matthew will be moving back to school on August 15th, so once again I’ll be completely alone. I feel bad that he and I didn’t get to do much together while he was home but to be honest I haven’t been the best company and can’t blame him for spending as much time away from me as he could. But in my own defense I’ve had a lot on my mind what with dealing with the legal crap, worrying about how I’m going to pay all the bills that are due, if I can afford to keep Matthew in school, worrying about losing my job because I can’t concentrate because I’m stressing out over getting personal things done or I just don’t feel like going in because I didn’t sleep well or I’m so depressed I could care less and just plain and simply fighting the urge to give up and quit trying. But I am hoping that I’ll break the surface of the water once I get through this year and get the probate stuff settled so I can do something with the house. Then maybe I can begin to forge ahead and feel more like life is worth living again. I know that there will still be times when a memory or a situation blindsides me and brings me to tears but maybe I’ll be better able to handle them when they do come along. If there is one bright spot in all of this it is that I’ve begun to reconnect with my family and for this I have to thank Matthew, my nieces Michelle and Angela, nephew Stephens, my sister Anne, my uncle Calvin and my great niece Kaitlyn. Matthew for helping me more around the house; Michelle and her husband Chuck for trying to get me back into life; Angela for offering to clean my house; Stephens for working on my truck; my sister Anne for continuing to call me every so often to make sure I’m doing okay; my uncle Calvin for his Sunday lunches and my great niece Kaitlyn for being so kind and caring. I also must thank my good friend Cassandra and Contentment the lady that cuts my hair both of whom truly understand what I’m going through and are more than glad to talk with about our shared loses. And I couldn’t have gotten where I am now without my counselor Karla and the grief share leader Janay. And to quote Gregg Allman in song he wrote following the death of his brother Duane, “With the help of God and true friends I’ve come to realize that I still have two strong legs and even wings to fly. Hear me now I ain’t wastin’ time no more.”
Posted on: Tue, 30 Jul 2013 01:41:24 +0000