As the years go by since Mom passed, I become acutely aware of just how young and ill equipped I was at the time- not only to handle her passing, but also how to deal with the situation in the years that led up to it. She has been gone seven years, and yet I am still affected by what I saw her go through, and by some of the awful things she said to me under the influence of medication. And even after seven years, I dread November. My body always seems tense, and I am always tired. I spend November trying to act normal even though I feel like there is a bomb that is going to go off, and it feels so much like it did in those last few days. How could I have prepared myself to deal with what would possibly be the worst thing to ever happen to me? Even now, how can I be at peace with her passing? It changed my personality, my drive. I lost my faith, my optimism. But even as I feel the hole from what is missing, I find comfort when I wear her class ring or a piece of jewelry or clothing she bought me. I smile more often than cry. I like and respect who I am now. I am happy, living in an apartment with a boy and a dog I love so much that I dont feel as empty as I used to. I honestly do not believe I would be here if it werent for Moms passing. So even though just the thought of her is enough to cause me to break down, I have to admit that she is still teaching me, still shaping me, still showing me how to be strong and how to not let life hold me back. She is still there telling me to be me, and reminding me of course that TNG is the best Star Trek and that Supernatural is just a modern version of the X-Files. I still have enough of her that she can still make me smile, and that is enough for me to keep pushing onwards.
Posted on: Tue, 19 Nov 2013 17:02:10 +0000
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