As this year winds itself to a close, Im faced with yet another New Years Eve alone. I guess I should be used to doing this, as I have never had anyone to kiss at midnight on December 31st. I want to be all strong and stoic and be like, Im fine with that, I dont need someone, but then I wouldnt be honest with myself. Because the truth is, Im not fine with it. I hate it. I hate it, and the thought of it brings tears to my eyes, because its just one more thing I have to do alone. I wasnt built to be alone. Im just not. I was built to be a wife, and a mother. Nothing makes my life for full and satisfying than my family and friends, and being there for them. Thats the simple truth. Once upon a time, I was so close to grabbing that brass ring that I could feel it on my fingers. But, at the last minute, it was pulled away. And I waited...got my hopes up again...got dashed again. Then I made a mistake, and let myself get caught up in some crap. But then, when I was ready to let go, clear from out of nowhere I got blindsided. The trumpets sounded, angels heralded, and I fell head over heels in love with a total stranger. And wouldnt you know it, I felt myself back on the familiar carousel reaching, once more, for that brass ring. I was scared, petrified even, to let myself get comfortable, to be happy, to not keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. And then, the magic word forever came into picture, and I let myself foolishly believe that she meant it. So I kept reaching for the brass ring, arm outstretched, fingers splayed wide, only to have it too taken away with another expiration date on the forever. As 2015 draws nearer, my heart is at a crossroads. Even though she is everything that Ive hoped and prayed for, even though I love her more today than the day I admitted to myself that I loved her...do I move on thinking that she is not the one (although my heart and head both say she is), or do I keep waiting for her and not give up? I told her that Id never give up on her....and if I do, then that will make both of us liars. What to do? Because Im tired of being alone, but Im afraid to lose all Ive ever wanted. Hopefully 2015 will reveal some answers to me, because right now I dont know which way to go.
Posted on: Sun, 28 Dec 2014 15:52:48 +0000
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