CLEAN JOKES Funny stories and clean jokes that made me laugh I hope you enjoy them. COOL DUDE An Alberta cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf? The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, Sure, Why not? The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects It to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and Says, You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves. Thats right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves, says the Cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf? The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, Okay, why not? Youre a member of parliament for the Canadian Government, says the cowboy. Wow! Thats correct, says the yuppie, but how did you guess that? No guessing required. answered the cowboy. You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you dont know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog. FOUND A DEAD CAT A Junior School pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.” CAMPING Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars. What does that tell you? Holmes asked,Watson pondered for a minute. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent! MEMORY LESSONS It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbours about it. Some months later, a neighbour approaches the man as he tends the garden. Neighbour asks, Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much? Ed replies, Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... Whats the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...? Neighbour says, You mean a rose? Ed replies, Yeah, thats it!...(shouting toward house) Hey,Rose, what was that memory course instructors name? NEW EMPLOYEE the manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. What is your name?, was the first thing the manager asked. John, the new guy replied. The manager scowled. Look, I dont know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I dont call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority, he said. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - thats all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name? The new guy sighed and said, Darling. My name is John Darling. The manager said, Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you... LIFE AFTER DEATH Do you believe in life after death? the boss asked one of his employees.Yes, sir, the clerk replied. Thats good, the boss said. After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmothers funeral, she stopped in to see you. HEAVEN AND HELL (The Difference) Heaven is a place where the police are English; the chefs are Italian; the car mechanics are German; the lovers are French and its all organized by the Swiss. Hell is a place where the police are German; the chefs are English the car mechanics are French the lovers are Swiss and its all organized by the Italians. Elderly Couple An elderly couple were in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong. She said I had a dream that I died and you got remarried. she asked him if I died tomorrow would you get remarried? he said sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely. then she asked well would you two live in this house? he replied sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage. she asked again, angry now well would she sleep in this bed? he thought a while and said yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, theres no reason to rid of it. she asked irately, well would she use my golf clubs? he replied with a straight, serious face no. Shes left handed. YOURE LATE The teacher said Frank you are late again! Why are you always Late? Frank said its the sign miss The teacher said what sign? Frank said the one down the road It says SCHOOL AHEAD GO SLOW INSURANCE POLICY Vandals had set fire to a farmers haystack which then spread to his barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for £30,000 the amount of insurance on the barn. “We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.” “In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.” BEGGAR ON BOND STREET A beggar who was working Bond Street one day approached a dignified businessman and asked him for some money. The man replied, “I’m very sorry, but I never give money to people in the street.” The beggar replied, “What should I do? Come up to your office? But Why? A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, Im sending out 1,000 I Love You cards signed, Guess who? But why? asks the man. he said! Im a divorce Lawyer YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT The secretary said to her boss. You have an appointment at 12 The boss said who is it with She said,its the invisinble man The boss said,Tell him I cant see him DIVORCE LAWYER A lady goes to a divorce lawyer and says I want a divorce. The lawyer says, Do you have grounds? Oh yes she said, We have about 4 acres and a long driveway, No no no you have misundersood me. I mean do you have a grudge? She said No its not a grudge, we have a carport. He said No thats not what meant, Let me put it another way. Why do you want a divorce.? Oh thats easy its my husband. he cant hold a sensible conversation! PADDYS MOTHER Soon after Paddy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office. When Paddy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news. To be shure it was, Boss he replied, I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning. Gosh, thats awful, replied the foreman Do you want the rest of the day off? No, replied Paddy. Ill finish the day out. About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when Paddy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright. Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news, That was my brother, and his mother died today too! HYGIENIC WAITER A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. Are you crazy yelled the customer, sticking your thumb in my steak?! What answers the waiter, You prefer it fell on the floor again? Quick Wit: A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. But officer. the man began, I can explain,. Just be quiet, snapped the officer. Im going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back... But officer, I just wanted to say.... And I said to keep quiet! Youre going to jail! A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughters wedding. Hell be in a good mood when he gets back. Dont count on it, answered the fellow in the cell. Im the groom. REDNECK TRUCKERS Two Country truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to a low bridge. A sign says, Clearance: 112. So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that its 116. So the first GUY looks at the second GUY and says, I dont see any cops around....lets go for it! HEAVENLY REWARDS A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who`s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven? The guy replies, I`m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City. Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven. The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it`s the minister`s turn. He stands erect and booms out, I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary`s for the last forty-three years. Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Just a minute, says the minister. That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be? Up here, we work by results, says Saint Peter. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed. JESUS SENT ME A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed. He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me! The other guy looks at him and declares, I did not! PRESENTS FROM A SHEIK There was a businesswoman who just made a millions of dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined. The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice. A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik. So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you arent disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools. *SCOUSE* * VASECTOMY After having their 11th child, a * *Liverpudlian* * couple decided that was enough, as the social couldnt buy them a bigger bed and they werent strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didnt want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I dont see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. Trust me, it will do the job, said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works** ** in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.* COMMING TO BLOWS There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, That was a karate chop from Korea. The little guy thinks GEEZ, but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, That was a judo chop from Japan. So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big guy and -- WHAM!!! -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, When he gets up, tell him that was a crowbar from Screwfix.
Posted on: Tue, 29 Oct 2013 18:42:00 +0000
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