Coming to a gathering of family is awesome when you check out the definition of the word. That coming is both emotionally moving and terribly frightening. When you come to that gathering you are struck by awe, and you feel overwhelming fear and incomprehensible ecstacy. In other words, you wish you were dead and you wish you would live forever . . . all in the same moment. Except coming to a family gathering, like Christmas/the-holidays, is a very long moment. All the pleasantries are there: the food, the decorations, the presents, the music, the hugs, and the kisses. The house or restaurant is comfortable, warm or cool, and just right. The hosts ease your entry. And then the awe begins its long peal of thunder. Looking around, you see the faces you know, or at least as you remember them. Even if you havent been aware since the last gathering, you now feel the absence of family members. Some of these family folks you want to be close to again now for a good time to be with. Others, well, youve learned from painful trial and error, on both your parts probably, to keep a certain distance that works for you at least. Then the gruesome side of awe grows as you see the family members you are related to, in some way, and the loose ends of those relationships jingle-jangle in mixed sounds of pain, regret, anger, guilt, betrayal, broken dreams, abandonment, distrust and disgust. The jingle-jangle for them and for you. You and they can approach each other with false politeness. The most any of you will show of the loose ends you feel, is indifference. But the harsh painful feelings intensify from more to most, holding to you through the entire gathering. But for the other side of awe. There were moments of ecstacy with other family folks, moments you want to feel again and honor, that is to say, moments you want to live by, even when youre not with them. These were/are moments of comfort, excitement, hope, love, loyalty, learning . . . you can go on and on. You go over and hold to them as your heart(s) explode with joy and wonder. You talk of memories; you laugh in safety and anticipation of more; and you promise to nurture your relationship for as long as you, all of you, live. A cousin, a siblings guest friend, a new grandchild, an uncle on leave from the war just pop-up in front of you. You cant but slowly or with surprise feel the spark of a new interest, passion, or just something in common that begins weaving you to them. And your enjoyment of being in a larger family flares. When the awesome feelings that all of you have sit down at the same table, the food is uncovered. You help pass it around. The two opposite feelings everyone has are passed with the food. Now the conversations repeat everything to this moment, to this gathering. Is there an end to the polar rack stretching you? When is variable. Maybe when youre sitting with them at table. It could come as youre leaving to go back to somewhere. Sometimes it isnt until youre walking to the door of the next awesome gathering. Worst of all, when may never happen. Come or not, this is the simple truth, and theres no getting around it. Someone makes a choice. Maybe you make it, maybe someone(s) else. But an irresistible gravity resulting from the needs of awesomes two poles come together for resolution or at least grace-full understanding. It might take more than one gathering of family to come to this. More likely, you must make it again and again, because (as Katherine A. Porter wrote) love must be learned, and learned again; there is no end to it. So here or there or somewhere . . . we have it. Awesome brings renewal. Awesome fulfills the force irresistible. And we will come to our familys gathering (or as a guest to someone elses) again.
Posted on: Tue, 23 Dec 2014 15:10:24 +0000
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