DANCING LESSONS I stood frozen knowing not to move, I understood that moving wasn’t an option. I held firm to my position. With shallow breaths, I tried not to budge I started to tense and then I received the order, I got my instructions and on command with the loud demanding order I heard “dance now” I obeyed with conviction and danced in whirling circles doing my best to please but my effort went without praise as I was scolded and told that I was doing it wrong, ‘Elsa doesn’t dance like that!” The words came loud and firm and I wilted and grew sadder as I stood taking my redress. Moments went by and I felt the nerves in the pit of my stomach, knowing I must get this right and that I must do this dance well and I began to look forward to the accolades that would follow. The music went on again, I braced myself for the dance, my orders came, ‘now, do it right’ the bossy command was not one to ignore. I danced, doing my absolute best and was sure it was going well, I flowed into the moment and danced in delight feeling certain to invoke pride and applause… but my heart leapt the tone of voice was unmistakable, I had failed again, ‘you’re not doing it right’ the snappy words hit me hard and I fell to a chair, dejected and without confidence. The tone softened and a hint of compassion detectable, ‘it’s ok, I will show you’, and the words were almost comforting but there was still fear, still uncertainty. I watched carefully, I paid attention with every ounce of concentration I had. I knew the dance would end in seconds and again I would give it my all. “Now, you do it’, the fear increased and the pressure was on once again. I waited, poised and rigid all at once, the music began I danced, I threw away abandon and danced, I let go and whirled, I even sang…….. “STOP” the order was louder than ever. I received no reassurance, no encouragement, I was ordered to leave, ‘go away’ but the rejection was a relief, I hurried away, I even hid, I waited, listened then sighed a big sigh of relief. The music was playing, the dance being done and I was freed from my Grandmotherly duties. I stayed quiet and knew not to bring attention to myself, she played alone, she was happy, my heart returned to normal rhythm and I sank into the peace…. “NAN…” “Oh shit!”
Posted on: Sat, 05 Jul 2014 10:49:35 +0000
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