DAY 30: The Honeymoon. I am in the honeymoon. I say this, because everything is rosy, and positive, and even euphoric in hopefulness and promise. Cravings are greatly reduced (just don’t let yourself get hungry!!). Sometimes there is a pang of loss, bordering on sadness. Sometimes grouchiness makes itself known. Mostly, though, there is a sense of triumph, of profound relief, of newness, of future, of health. The good things are not all so general - many of them are specific, countable, empirical! Analyzing these points in progress, is actually fun! Some say: don’t focus too much, dwell too much on the addiction, or you’ll make it larger in your life. Some say: don’t talk about it – just let it go, and go away. I say: stare at it, know it, reduce it! Which friend was it, who said that when sense of smell begins to return, odors would freak me out? The smell of a mildewed cleaning cloth, the lingering aroma of cooked popcorn, the rice starch burning on the stovetop… The scent of things come and go, even when the sources remain. The sense of smell is still fragmented, and how obnoxious these smells are, to someone who was used to smelling so little! I took a nap on the sofa the other day. On my back. I have not been able to sleep on my back for years, without feeling as though my lungs had deflated. No acid reflux. Longer, easier work-outs. Rosy color in my face. Sometimes I feel a wheeze in my lungs. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a phantom wheeze. I have not had a clear day in years – maybe my lungs are just used to feeling accosted, crushed, harassed, poisoned. Maybe the lungs wheeze by memory alone. Certainly, there is the question to be answered later: how healthy will my lungs be, or are they very damaged, permanently? What does it matter? I quit smoking. If I cannot tell whether the wheeze is real or not, I’ll take this moment with profound gratitude.
Posted on: Wed, 24 Sep 2014 01:59:54 +0000
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