Dealing with stressful situations is not my strong point - unless I can prepare myself. I did that yesterday after I logged off and before I went to the doctor. First, I threw away the mountain of tissues I went through while reading your words and feeling the real, good emotions of love and compassion you expressed in them. Then, I ate, and to calm myself a bit, I took a half of an anti-anxiety pill along with pain medication. And, then, I prayed. I thanked God for all of you and for Russell. I prayed for my brother to be well. I prayed and asked to be brave and to be able to hold on to all of your goodwill toward me as if it were a crutch to hold me up. I prayed for mercy for all of the people suffering from illness or loneliness. I took a shower and got a little more dressed up than usual. Ive lost so much weight that I can wear my skinny clothes. I put my jewelry on and waited a little less nervously for Russell to come and get me. I felt pretty good. At the Cancer Center, I checked in and after paying the co-pay easily, I told the receptionist that I hoped my visit with the doctor would be as easy. Then I told her again - that I hoped my visit with the doctor would be easy on me because I was very stressed. ( I was expecting that the doctor would say that it was time for me to consider Hospice care.) I think the receptionist may have had a word with the doctor on my behalf - mentioning my stress level. Russell and I sat in the waiting room among other people who were going through cancer treatments. I smiled an understanding smile at every person I made eye contact with and they smiled back the same smile. After three people who came in after me were called ahead of me, I began to worry a little. I was thinking that maybe those people werent going to require as much time as I would so the doctor was putting me off until he had more time. My stomach was sinking but I kept on thinking of YOU. Trying to feel your spirits with me, thinking of not being alone there because somewhere you were thinking of me. There were two Christmas trees in the office - one decorated with candy canes which I so wanted to taste - another little one that was fiber optic and quite intriguing with its ever changing colors. I said to Russell that it was really pretty and he said that it looked as if the wind were blowing through it. I told him that Id like to photograph it. The nurse called us in behind the glass reception area and weighed me. I lost another five pounds. Into the exam room. My blood pressure was much better this time - 120 over 80, as opposed to 166 over 102 on the last visit. Good start. The doctor and the nurse came into the room and before he could say anything I asked him to take it easy on me. I said: this is hard you know, a lot of stress. He smiled and said that he knew. He hugged me then he turned and shook Russells hand. He said that I looked much better than when he had last seen me in the hospital. I said yes, because I was dying then and I have healed a little since then. No more Herceptin, then? He said. I shook my head, no. Well try another drug, a pill, then - Lapatinib. I asked if that drug was able to cross the blood/brain barrier, because I know that Herceptin does not. Yes, he said, but why are you worried about that? Im worried because the cancer is in my spine and that is a pathway to my brain. The doctor said that I worry too much. Lapatinib crosses the blood/brain barrier. Okay, Ill try it. But, what about the side effects? Not the same as Herceptin - not involved with the lungs. Okay. I said I dont want to ask you but I have to ask - the results of the culture on the fluid from my lungs was it Herceptin or was it cancer in my lungs. The report wasnt on the computer the doctor has in front of him at all times. He left the room to have his medical assistant access the results and print them out. Then, Linda, the nurse, took over. She asked about what medications I needed to be re-filled and got together the information sheets on Lapatinib. She kept me busy until the doctor returned. He showed me the line in the report that identified Adeno Carcinoma consistent with Metastatic Breast Cancer in my lung. I smirked and shook my head - yes. That news I had prepared myself for and I remained calm. It is all the same cancer, Mary. All the same cancer that we will target with Laptinib. We can slow it down. I told the doctor that the Nurse Counselor from the insurance company had told me that I could be paralyzed at any moment. I told him how that was weighing so heavily on me that sometimes I am afraid to move. The doctor was upset by this. He was looking around on either side of him for something - what? A paper, a pen? Was he going to write it down? He stopped and looked at me. He said that its no way to live to be afraid. No, you have to be....mindful, I asked? Yes, dont pick up heavy things, dont fall. Be gentle with yourself. Russell doesnt let me carry anything, I told the doctor. He even carries my purse for me. Not a mention of hospice~! My spirits were lifted. This doctor had not given up on me yet. So, I will have an upper and lower Thoracic MRI and another CT Scan which will be evaluated by the Radiation Oncologist to see if there are any areas on my spine that can be treated with radiation to ease the pain there. That is a pain that is currently controlled by medication and I am so grateful for that~! Now, lets see if the Insurance Company will approve me for the Lapitinib. I should be notified within a week if they have given up on me - or not. I will let you know, my friends and confidants~! So it wasnt that bad, at all, the doctors visit. Russells faith never waivers or fails him. When I asked him if he felt better that there was another drug I could try to gain some time, he said that he knows that God will heal me, no matter what I think or say. Russell can be a little smug about his trust in God. Sometimes the phrase Oh, ye of little faith... almost escapes his lips. But, that is where Russell finds his strength. The strength he uses to hold us both up and to carry me when I am weak. He carries me, often. There is more in this world than what we can experience through our five senses. Your thoughts, good wishes and prayers...they touch me and lift my spirit. They carry me, too. We are not alone when we allow ourselves to love and be loved without fear. There is no end to love....Mary.
Posted on: Tue, 23 Dec 2014 15:52:58 +0000