Dear Fat boy, So it appears that you are determined to live up to your name until the very day you die, Mr. Never Enuff the Good Stuff aka Fatboy. You were caught red handed, yes my dear you were busted on surveillance so there’s no sense in denying it, I saw it ALL! We’ve all poked fun at your, let’s say, Mental Dullness over the years but no, youre an idiot savant. But heres what I would like to know. Did you have this master minded before the 12:00pm alarm or did the sound of it trigger your behavior, like a dinner bell? You lay calmly on your blanket exasperatingly sighing at my offer to go outside and play to reminding me you’re old tired, prefer the air conditioning and haven’t chased a ball in years, so I patted you on the head and walked out back with EVERYONE else. You put your plan into action. Don’t try to deny it old man I watched, twice. Moments after closing the door behind me, you literally sprang up and trotted to the back window. Upon concluding I was sufficiently involved in a game of fetch with the other dogs you made your way to the kitchen. First stop was the pantry, a quick bump with your nose and swat with your paw insured the door was indeed fully closed, continuing in an efficient pattern of movement you tried the trash can. A nose bump, paw swat, and a quick mouthing of the child safety latch (which we installed just for you) you quickly deducted you did not have adequate time to break in before my return. On to your next stop the living room…. Did you actually remember I put a bag of trail mix in the console of the couch last night, or did your nose detect it like some heat seeking missile? Honestly I forgot it was there. On your way to your last option (I guess trail mix isn’t really your thing) you stopped back by the window again for a security assessment then actually galloped into the living room as you knew time was running low. Straight in, and straight to the sweet spot. I watched the whole thing, don’t make this my fault, that I left it on the couch, It was in a drawer.. IN a drawer! You opened the drawer scarfed the entire bags contents minus the bag... which is why operation “I want to be fat” has failed, but thank you for closing the drawer behind you. Just seconds before I reopened the back door you settled yourself back down on your blanket as if you’d never moved. Had it not been for your meddling little brother you may have gotten away with it, He too has a nose for ANYTHING editable and incidentally sold you out by frantically licking the couch where a few sunflower seeds escaped your ferocious appetite. Now listen, we all know you have a stomach and intestinal track of steel, and some of the things you’ve eaten and successfully passed over the years, are nothing short of impressive, however not everyone in the house of the canine persuasion has your gift and I’d really prefer if we didn’t test that theory, I’m fairly certain I’m single handedly putting our vets kid through college. What if everyone else had joined in on chowing chocolate, nuts, granola and dried fruits, or the plastic bag it came in? Not everyone has your discerning pallet you know? So here’s the deal; you now MUST join us for 12:oo turn outs. I know it’s not fair, but I can’t have you literally eating us out of house and home. If you’re still tough enough to handle a pound of trail mix you can handle the mid-day heat, you’re lucky I don’t make you work off those extra calories! And finally while I disassemble our couch to vacuum out any other evidence you may have left behind, don’t stand there salivating as you hear it being sucked up, at least pretend to feel some remorse, you were a BAD DOG and you should be ASHAMED of yourself. Irritated as hell, Your Mom
Posted on: Fri, 08 Aug 2014 17:36:53 +0000
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