Diary of a Grateful Somewhat Accepting Hamster in Her Ball March 25, 2014 Well I can finally breathe a sigh of relief; I had this ominous feeling somewhat overwhelming feeling that I had a blood clot in my left leg and today I find out that I have a clean bill of health. See for someone like me who had massive blood clots and even had a clot filter put in, it is highly likely that I could have a blood clot again! It is a very unsettling thing for me and I really hate the fact that there is just so much that I do not know about my body like it is a Petri dish on crack or something! Initially, I tried to pass it off as nothing when I noticed the swelling last week. I did bring it up to my neurologist when I saw him last week that I noticed odd swelling in primarily my left leg. He told me that it was most likely some residual effects of the trauma I experienced from the car accident, so I brushed it off! I trust Dr. D. and it is going to be a sad day when he retires for me seeing that he has been there since the get go with me with my relapsing remitting MS! Then over the weekend my walking became more cumbersome and there was a dull throbbing pain just in my left leg. Usually I seem to remember that if I have a MS flare up, it typically is both legs and I can hardly walk at all! So I thought the next thing I should really do is consult with my doctor team at Akron City who took care of me for the greater portion of 2011 after my car accident! I cannot say that I remember the majority of it, but the ones that I do they were kind and thoughtful to me and my family that was with me for the greater portion of my hospital stay! Today was no different and as much as I contested against being transported in a wheel chair across the hospital to the ultra sound technicians I understood that if it was a clot they most certainly did not want me to walk! Walking is such a big thing, especially when I have been trying for the past three years to stand on my own two feet again, but I also know that it is ok to ask for help from time to time even though I do not necessarily like it! I cannot say that I do not feel good about my poor father spending the majority of the time there, because it was almost as if he was with my mother who was terminal and in and out of the hospital with her battle with bone cancer when I was a child! The only saving grace is that I learned at a young age what it means to be strong and to be a fighter from the both of them, even though my mother did not survive her battle with cancer! I hear stories from time to time that I put up a good fight, trying to escape from my hospital bed and what not but again I do not remember any of it! Tis’ the beauty of brain injury I suppose! I do not know exact things or people, nor do I remember my car accident or what I was doing before it! These are all things that I had to be told, and with that I am ok and I am learning slowly to accept things more! After the ultra sound technician finished with my left leg ultra sound to make sure I did not have any blood clots today he told me from the records that they have on me my left leg at one point was just one big blood clot! Then again I remember nothing, no pain anything! I have literally had to relearn my whole life to walk , talk, eat again, dress and bathe myself, it has not always been easy but slowly and surly I get it! I also have new material to learn and absorb which is not always the easiest either, but I am doing it, trying to be proactive and learn! Then the funny thing is with all of this Medicare/Medicaid red tape of stipulations that I have been trying to find out answers that the lawyer that my father said that I contact called me while we were at Akron City today. Life is funny like that sometimes, just like you work and work to help others that could be disenfranchised and yet the key person you have to help now is yourself! Candice and I seriously played phone tag on and off this afternoon because Bob and I had an errand to run and lunch as well as he came up with the plan so I could actually hand wash our kitchen floor and not have dog paw prints throughout since our back yard is more or less straight mud! Now at the end of March it is snow dusted! My cousin Nicole had it so right when she said the lion in the poem for March weather conditions has seriously got to be bipolar or something! So when the lawyer finally got me after we played phone tag I could feel good that I had a plan! I have always liked to have a plan and ironically what most loose from traumatic brain injury is their ability to plan and concentrate also known as the executive function of the brain! I have those issues but the more constructive I am about my numerous post it notes and to do lists I get by with the, ‘new normal me,’ and that is where the acceptance of my entry comes into play. It is not always easy for me to accept myself, especially when I hold myself to these ridiculous standards I set for myself but I am learning! It is a lot easier for me to let go of my ridiculous standards than it is for me to ever accept anyone assuming that I do things now out of spite, anger or just to be plain mean! People that I have always trusted in my life that I have held on a preposterous pedestal have fallen dramatically from my grace and that breaks my heart! In all honestly I have always prided myself on helping others and my various careers throughout social service gave me that continued identity that I miss so much right now fighting for the almighty underdog! I have always been some form of advocate or another! Which brings me back now to my phone conversation with the lawyer that spoke at a MS conference years ago and works with people like me for estate planning and such, she even suggested to me about me getting into some form of advocacy and speak about my experiences and to me bottom line that would be my identity of helping and providing help to others! She also said that she would be sending me an email concerning a two hour work shop concerning estate planning and what not for someone like me who is fully disabled and my family! She also mentioned that she does do a certain amount of pro bono to help people like me, which I probably knew from the MS conference I attended but my mind is so funny about what I do and what I do not remember! She said that she remembered me and with that comment I am very grateful and it warmed my heart!! I would have never of met her without my Dad’s help and know that I will always be his EEnie Meanie Tetrazzini- my nic name since childhood!! I have a lot of cool nic names like that like Beanie and Bob’s for me is his Tootsie pop and he is my HunnyBear!!
Posted on: Wed, 26 Mar 2014 02:05:05 +0000
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