During this journey, my eyes have started to see the world in a different way. I was a very proud, independent woman before my diagnosis, and since Ive been humbled to the point of having to ask for help to do the most basic steps, from hygiene to walking. So, as I regain my strength and ability, I see and truly experience the smallest things that I previously took for granted and constantly overlooked. The best example occurred this afternoon. I had to run an errand, and I rolled down the car window for sunshine. As I drove off, I felt this tinkling feeling and started to smile. The wind was blowing my hair. :) In the past, I would have not noticed at all or just pulled it up in annoyance. I smiled because my hair has finally grown into an acceptable cut, which to a girl with chemo is a very big deal. Then I laughed because I loved the feeling and realized I had missed this simple act. What a great uplifting moment to realize how much I love life - big and small! Without a donor, I might face death in the future. But arent we all facing death? I could die from something completely unrelated to leukemia. Therefore, I enjoy the sunlight, baby snuggles, kisses from my husband, hugs and unconditional love from my family and friends, and all the little things in between. Theres a young lady who has been in the national news lately. This strong woman has been told that she will die soon from a brain tumor. She has made a choice to choose the actual day of death. I can not judge her for this wish. She has her own struggles and pains and methods to deal with. However, my cancer has done the opposite to me. I want every day, every hour, every minute that God will allow. Even if the last days may not be pretty. I have a will and drive to squeeze every ounce of life out of my time. Some people may say that you are so young to accept death as a possibility. I have to say that in my short 32 years, Ive experienced an exciting, and sometimes rebellious, childhood with parents and siblings that always gave love and encouragement. In college, I dabbled in some things out of curiosity, but got back on track once I feel in love with history. I wanted to teach my love of history so bad to others that I pushed myself to get my M.Ed. My years as a teacher were life changing, and it showed me that there is potential in all of us. I loved my students. I hope they will always know that. As for love, I got to experience a beautiful wedding, and am still married to my best friend. From all of my life experiences, I treasure the bond with Emilee the most. She was wanted so badly, and God gave me a little girl that is a perfect match. I know Emilees unconditional love has pushed me on days that I wanted to give up. Overall, for 32 years, I feel fulfilled and blessed to have had it all. I would love many more years, but please know that Im so content with my life as it right now. I have no idea what lays ahead of me, and I find comfort in knowing that He does. Hes already around the bend waiting for me. Please enjoy every moment, because it can change so quickly!! We see ourselves as invincible, but its the complete opposite. When a mountain seems too high or it seems that nothing is going right, take a moment to see all the hidden positives and dig deep. Then deep down, you will find your survivor strength. You will fight, even through the bad days, and see that peace will come. On the darkest days, when we search for a hand or a whisper, we will feel alone. So many people to help but you feel isolated in your unrelatable pain and emotional weakness. Know that you are never alone. God is there in the corner waiting for your hand. He is ready to bring you peace in your darkness and shelter you with His strength. I am so grateful for this wondrous life and everyone who has joined me for this ride. It has been truly AMAZING!!
Posted on: Fri, 24 Oct 2014 03:06:27 +0000
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