Every day I wake up feeling like a normal person, and it takes me awhile to realize im not. Its not until Ive walked around for a while and stretched my limbs and focused my mind that I understand: this is a new type of living. My life will never, ever be the same. No matter how hard I try and no matter what I do. Things are different now. Some days I cant get out of bed or stop crying or even breathe because of the pain. But some days I can walk around and go swimming even though its cold. And Im not judging one day as better than the next. It is what it is. Sometimes the pain feels better than anything else, because I feel closer to you. And Im still wondering, have I really understood any of this at all? I dont think so. The idea of you being gone is so absurd, so insane, that I still cant fully grasp it. I honestly dont understand that this is what life is going to be like from now on. But I try to move forward. Im doing things normal people do. I dont know where you are and even when Im surrounded by people I feel alone. Even looking at the moon I wonder; is this it? Do you hear me? Do you realize that no matter how many times a day I look up to the moon I still dont know if you feel what this empty space you left is doing to all of us? I see you everywhere but also nowhere and I dont know how long I can live this way. But I keep going. Maybe if I smile enough and kiss enough and swim enough one day this new life will feel normal and maybe things will finally be okay.
Posted on: Thu, 10 Apr 2014 00:15:26 +0000
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