Feeling Festive? The Night before Christmas of the Living Dead ‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all down the street Came a howling of wind and a lashing of sleet The stockings were hung by the 50 inch plasma And parents were snoring like bulldogs with asthma The children were nestled in cosy wee places With smug little grins on their villainous faces Their mum in her nightie and I in my skin Were of Christmassy spirit, specifically Gin When out in the garden, a moaning was heard I sprang to my feet without breathing a word To the curtains I leapt like a naturist ninja As spry as a horse with an arse full of ginger And what did I spy as I peeped through the crack? No jolly fat Santa or magical sack It was as I had feared but had always expected The zombies were here and St. Nick was infected! His sled, with a frenzy of giblets, was smitten And was pulled by a mob of the people he’d bitten He threatened and jabbed them to get them to run And struck at their heads with the butt of his gun “Now Arnie, now Johnny, Now Barrak Obama On Oprah, on Beckham and on Dalai Lama On half of Madonna and Samuel L. Jackson And run for your lives at the sound of the claxon” The sled rose aloft dragging corpses behind Like a wedding day prank from a murderous mind And with more than a hint of the melodramatic An almighty crash rattled down from the attic Still dressed, as it were, in my birthday attire Some pants and a chainsaw, my only desire I crept on my tippy-toes, ever so soft And I heard a grim sound from the stairs to the loft I searched for a weapon and first to my hand Was a porcelain Goofy from Disney land I ran from the bedroom to battle my foe I turned to the stairs, but now where did he go? When a breath on my neck made me shiver and freeze And a trickle of urine advanced to my knees I came to my senses and spun on the spot And before me pulsating with maggots and rot There stood zombie Santa, he drooled as he leered His eyes filled with hunger and blood in his beard I screamed and I bolted, I ran down the stairs I bounced and I bounded and leapt them in pairs I rounded the corner and flung back the door I flicked on the light but could journey no more The windows were gone and in every direction Were lurching the victims of zombie infection They lunged and they nibbled and ripped me apart They tore out my liver and chewed on my heart Like tinsel, my entrails hung on the tree My kidneys were baubles and under it, me And while they made meals of my pieces of mind Upstairs there was gore of a similar kind The missus was mangled and minced in her sleep And Santa selected the pieces he’d keep The children still snoozed with not even a groan The zombies sensed evil, and left them alone Now their job was completed they hastened away To the attic they galloped to rev up the sleigh With a scrape and a grind and a clatter of slate They took to the air to continue their spate And the voice of St. Nick could be heard from the sky “Merry Christmas to all and to all…… DIE!”
Posted on: Sun, 17 Nov 2013 09:18:21 +0000
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