For day 3 of birthday week I am wishing myself a Happy Cancerversary! One year ago today, exactly two days before my 35th birthday, my doctor looked me in the eyes and said “you have cancer.” In that moment, I didn’t know if I would live to see the next day. I immediately thought about Abby growing up without me. Answering the question “how long do I have to live” became my biggest fear. I have a rare genetic form of Medullary Thyroid Cancer (MTC). There is no cure, no chemo, no radiation that works. The only solution to MTC is to monitor the situation, find the bad cells, and cut them out when they start to grow. I’ve been through scans and tests and hundreds of needle pricks. I’ve had my entire neck sliced open all the way up to my left ear. I’ve been in the hospital for 8 days with a serious infection and a lifeline to my heart. I live daily with pain from scar tissue and damaged nerve endings and lymphedema. My entire thyroid was taken from me and I take a pill every day to give me the thyroid hormones I need to stay alive. But yet, here I am. My zest and passion for life and getting up out of the house and hiking in a forest or swimming in the ocean has not changed; I’ve always been like that. It’s my personal relationships with my fellow humans that have been altered forever. Some friendships have grown stronger, some friends have shied away, some are afraid they might catch it. Some people treat me with pity, some treat me with respect. Family became of the utmost importance. I am a better mother and I truly understand the meaning of “this too shall pass.” When we’re gone, in the end politics don’t matter and opinions don’t matter. What you wear or what you drive or what you do for a living doesn’t matter. The moments we spend with each other are ALL that matters. Cancer is not a blessing, like some say. Cancer sucks. However, cancer has made the scary question “how long do I have to live” not as scary. I still don’t know. But none of us know the answer to that question, and cancer has made me less afraid of it because I’ve had to face it. I’ve had to accept a new sense of uncertainty in what tomorrow might hold. This will be a lifelong journey for me – I will never be a survivor, I will always be surviving with it. My surgeon did a good job – my results are fantastic and my levels are low, so I am in a terrific place right now. I have every intention of living a long and full life with my family and friends by my side. So if I hug you just a little longer, or linger when we’re hanging out, try not to take it personally or awkwardly. It’s because my personal bubble is smaller now. It’s because I’m looking at you for who you truly are, my friend in this journey through life, however long it might be. It’s because I cherish every single moment we are together. For me, the real meaning of life lies in the affection I feel to and from those around me. Gandhi said, “Where there is love there is life.” I agree!
Posted on: Tue, 02 Jul 2013 12:50:33 +0000
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