For my Mother- look down from there Mom and see what I learned to do since you left. I learned to write, learned to miss you, and I learned regret. Death of my Mother “I’m having trouble keeping things down,” said my mother. I was eating a bowl of Shredded Wheat at the breakfast bar and Kristina was already gone to her mother’s to work on the books. Mom was smoking a Marlboro Red and drinking a cup of Hills Brother’s coffee. “I’ve got an appointment to see the doctor.” “Dr. Keyser?” “Nope,” she said casually, flicking the ash into the geode she and my dad cleaved in two with the diamond-blade rock saw. It was one of those stones they’d found in the desert. The sawing operation was performed in a metal box filled with oil and had taken hours. Then they polished the outer solid rock to flatten the irregular rim. The crystalline center was where the cancerous ash fell and busted. It was a beautiful piece of nature to toss ashes in so casually. I mean, crystals symbolize growth, you know, crystals grow, and they’re so glittery, reflective, and full of life. And there were the ashes, gray and black and white, drained of color, so death like and all, resting on top. “It’s a new doctor,” she continued. “A specialist.” “Well, tell me what he says,” I replied as if it were nothing. It was my last semester at State. Kristina and I were gathering material for our Great Adventure on the Continent and I was about to appear in traffic to court to fight a ticket. Watched so much Perry Mason I thought I was a lawyer, a mouthpiece, a shyster attorney and all. I had things on my mind other than the health of my mother. Her statement seemed at the time to be nothing, or less than nothing, but certainly nothing alarming. That’s me, the guy with his head so far up his *** he can’t smell the roses, or note the red flags; because he’s too overcome with the perfume of his own stinking life. Rocks, they last forever. People, not so long. If there’s one thing I learned from life it was that everything comes with an expiration date. It was good living with two women, both of which you loved, both of which loved you. They both cooked and smoked Marlboro Reds and got on well. They both looked out for my needs. I was blessed and I didn’t even know it. No choir of angels flew down and delivered the news on a golden scroll. No other humans had patted me on the back and said, “You know, Old Fellow, you are truly blessed.” So I thought this was just how life was, that it was standard issue life and nothing more. Sometimes even now I’ m dumbstruck at how much a chump I am, a chump being the thick and dull end of anything. That’s me, the original Chumpster. As the weeks rolled endlessly by the situation grew grimmer and grimmer. One operation down and no results. Mom refuses to take her pain medicine. Orange prescription bottles with white plastic tops clutter her nightstand and dining room table. They litter the TV trays she piles everything on. While she’s away in Missouri visiting her sister, my aunt Eileen, we clean up the house to surprise her when she gets back. She walks in the door and though she looks at the house she doesn’t commend us with a hip and hooray. She’s too weak to blurt out a hip and hooray. She’s dying. We have a discussion one day when Kristina is gone to her mother’s. “They want to do another operation, what do you think?” I hesitate. I do that a lot lately; I hesitate before opening my mouth. Don’t want to upset her. “Well, it seems to me that you’re not getting better. The first operation was supposed to help but it didn’t…” “No,” said softly. “So this new operation might help. They have to make it so you use a bag and all?” “Yes,” said like a lamb. My mother possessed an odd quality. She was tough as nails but could be soft as a ball of cotton. She was the yin and yang of mothers. I worshiped the hem of her apron, and tied my emotions up with its strings in order to feel secure. “Well, it might help. But if it doesn’t work… you might just…” Mom gave me a look that was clearer than any word, more serious than any dramatic phrase, and showed me I was understood. I’d finally come to terms with a terrible truth. It was our end. We didn’t talk much of deep things after that, not using words anyway. Affectionate embraces and understanding looks took their place. I wasn’t present when my mother passed away. Oh I was present, but removed from the action. Kristina and I got a call from the nursing home a week after her last unsuccessful operation. She’s very near the end tonight. We don’t expect her to last until morning. She’s only moments away.” We raced down highway eight to La Mesa. By the time we got to the foot of her bed she was asleep. If Cancer wouldn’t give her a break, Morpheus would. Over the course of months, under the influence of the disease, the once jolly fat lady was wasted to a pathetic seventy-six pounds. I calculated the effect and started distancing. Her withered arm, its muscle hanging flaccidly on the bone like steamed chicken, began trembling. It was real horror show. “What’s that?” I said, impersonally as possible. “The doctor said it was uremic acid backing up. She’s beginning to shut down.” “Oh,” I replied, as clinically as I could manage. Even the nurse couldn’t take it, and she was a starched-capped professional Nurse Ratchet. “I’ll be back in a minute.” She padded off quietly so as not to disturb the living that lined the long sterile room fast asleep in their hospital beds. I evaluated the patient sterilely, with a jaded eye, and turned towards Kristina. “If they think she’s going to die tonight, they’re mistaken. This new doctor doesn’t know my mom. It won’t be tonight.” “No, I guess not.” Then I put some actual physical distance into the inevitable defensive pattern and we bailed out and sped away. The mother that chose me over a bunch of baby angels sleeping at Paradise Valley Hospital because I was the only one crying and she’s dying, really dying. I don’t hold her hand. The mother I crafted dozens of Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day cards for from kindergarten to sixth grade is making her one-time one-way celestial exit and I don’t hold her hand, I dont hang around, I take a powder instead. Life is a barrel of monkeys and most of them are on your back. Among the savage beasts that cling there, the heaviest gorilla is guilt.
Posted on: Sat, 15 Nov 2014 04:46:58 +0000
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