For the past 18 weeks I have had a strong chemo every other Monday. I have had a not so trendy chemo pump to carry in a fanny pack til Wednesday and tonight I dont have that buddy attached to me Im not nauseated or light headed or asleep from the moment I came in the door. My mouth isnt hurting or my throat I can drink my water with out pain. Yes my hands and feet are still tingling non stop and Im still sensitive to cold things and I cant taste things very good and although I am drained feeling still. Within the next few weeks that should start to go away and I should have my energy back. And the surgery its going to knock me down but I have faith God will get me through it as He has this past 18 weeks I cant express the feeling of comfort and strength that has come from nowhere else but from The Lord I want to take u back to march 20 the when my world seemed to start to crumble around me when the GI doctor came into this little room where my husband and our almost 5 month old and myself sat to hear of what had been causing me such problems ( which consisted of painful small sized, bloody, mucusy, yellow orangy bowels. The feeling of pressure and the feeling of needing to go all the time). Anyhow so here we r sitting in this little room and a nurse comes in and sits on the arm of my chair and puts her arms around me as in a comforting way and then here comes my GI doc and the first words out of his mouth is its not good. I look at my husband as if can change what the doc just said or to see if I heard him right and so we say what do u mean its not good and he goes into telling me what they found and shows me pictures. We r stunned in shock and the nurse is comforting me and telling me of her father who had battled it and so on an all I could think of was not myself or whats to come but of that precious baby sitting in my loves lap and the three other beauties God blessed us with. They need me He needs me this cant be I had prayed many night to please keep us in good health and to bless those that are battling something out of their control and now here I am having to suite up in my full armor and go to battle. Its as if in my head those next few days I was having a team huddle with God, his son Jesus and the holy spirt that would hear me. And so after I left the GI doctors office I meet my new surgeon. And He sends me for a ct scan. Ok no buggy I havent ate in 24 hours already due to the colonoscopy so by then we had phoned our families and my mom and sis came to get our baby not knowing what was happening next and my brother in law left his work to come sit and support us during what we didnt know was to happen and I remember coming out of the surgeons office upset on the inside but trying to hold myself together and there sits my mom and sister and they start breaking down on me and I look at them with tear filled eyes and say not here not now its going to be ok. Now where did that come from I cant explain it but from The Lord cause I am an emotional person I show my emotions through tears. But after the ct they sent me home. Not knowing the results. And I got to my babies that where in the care of my mother and grandmother in law and try to shield them from all our tears and anything about what had happened that day and we get a call from my surgeons nurse to tell me my appointments for a MRI and pet scan and I panicked a pet scan I remember looking at maw maw and saying they only sent people with cancer for those maw maw I knew then it is really bad mr GI doc was right. And today I hear myself and picture me and remembering all the emotions that day held and the unknown of it all and I hear in my head Everythings going to be ok. And just as I heard in my head on that day just moments after the GI doc said those dreaded words its not good. I was reminded of what the guest preacher had said just the night before at our church gospel meeting he emphases on Jesus words LET NOT YOUR HEART BE TROUBLED FOR IF U BELIEVE IN HIM THEN BELIEVE IN ME john 14:1. And so that wave of His grace and comfort was preparing me for this moment without me ever even realizing it. Is that not amazing. So today I still hear those words just as I have everyday for the past 41/2 months and its amazing how in my weakest moments It seems He shows me His grace and reassurance. Call me crazy call me strange. But dont stop Believing in Him. The valley stinks and its rough and no fun to be in but the mountains high and the view is amazing and I am so thankful and blessed by His love and grace and healing my prayers tonight are that these words fine the ones that need it for the ones that are just starting into the dark valley or the ones that are in it now Look for His grace Hes with u and Hes trying to comfort u just Be still and relax in His arms cause He is there waiting on you to Believe and Trust n Him. I will share more of the days through this journey through this valley in the days to come have a blessed day - Tish
Posted on: Tue, 05 Aug 2014 03:22:53 +0000
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