Found this old writing from 2009 on my first intentional endeavours in to learning meditation. Kind of funny. I am slowing getting better, at first I could barely sit still for more than a minute before my body started working against me; itching and twitching, my mind starting to race. Perhaps aside from practice it also has a lot to do with genuinely liking yourself, if you’re leaving everything behind and spending a long drawn out period of time just with yourself, you better damn well like that person.I didn’t, or at least the person I was attempting to become. It was like every time I tried to clear my mind and relax, my brain took the chance it could while I wasn’t distracted to tell me in great detail how much I was betraying myself. For the most part it was just me being unable to lull things, tiny scant nonessential happenings from my day would just start flying through my head like a swarm of locus. It generally would go something like this; Me; “Ok, yeah hi… So this might help us be less crazy so, I think we should give it a shot” Mind “You do understand that you are talking to yourself about NOT being crazy right?” Me “Shut up and find tranquility!” Mind” Now you are argueing with yourself….” Me ” PlEASE! I need to clear you and relax” Mind “Okay, lets breath…..” . . . . Mind “Oh hey, did you feed the cat?” Me “YES! SHHH!!” Mind “sorry….” . . . . Mind “Personally I think Lindsey Lohan looks much better with a little weight on her….Oops sorry again! Shh right? Me “Sigh” . .. . Mind “You know I never really used to like Dark chocolate, but it’s actually quite delectable!” Me “Mmm chocolate would be good right now, do we hav- NO! Damn it meditate!”.... . . Mind “Do you need a Mantra? We should google a nice one.” Me ” No, I’m fine thank you”... . . . . .Mind “Your life is going nowhere you know!?” Me “Oh screw it.” and so on. As I am coming to like Mya a little bit more (which is coming to me quite easy after being just a little bit truer to myself than before) and with practice and focus things are coming along a little bit better. When all is not quiet I seem to have accessed a deeper voice, a truer one that very well may just be me, but this “me” is calm wise and truthful and very loving. I feel guilt for repressing this “me” for so long, she’s not loud at all and I imagine has been drowned out by all the lesser and more obnoxious voices in my head. Bottom line is crazy or not, I have been so much calmer lately, not to mention in better shape both emotionally and physically. So yeah maybe it’s crazy, but it’s not unwelcome. As I was in class last week, everyone was in Shavasana. I was clear and the cold breeze on my skin was just beginning to trickle it’s way up my body, when the little Wise me spoke up. Told me things would be okay, It’s only appropriate that wise me has a little attitude, she is ME after all. So much so in fact that she made me laugh. Imagine it, the calmest place in my universe, everyone is dead silent and here I am trying to choke back a laugh because I told myself a joke. So no, I haven’t quite got the hang of it yet, no I’m probably not even a quarter ways there yet (Please note my “YET”). I don’t dread it anymore though, I used to feel self conscious in the group, worried about messing it up or inconveniencing someone. How could I mess up Shavasana? Gods I don’t know, but I probably could… a coughing fit, a seizure, spontaneous combustion. All highly distracting for those around me trying to concentrate
Posted on: Sun, 03 Nov 2013 19:59:49 +0000
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