Friday was terrible – just terrible. I wish I could say something positive about it, something light-hearted, something feel-good, but it was incomprehensibly bad. From Rebecca’s immense suffering to her excessive weight loss (12 pounds in 2 months – 7 of those this past week alone) to her inability to walk a single unassisted step – there was no question my daughter was rapidly deteriorating. As I sat in the team meeting and heard the verdict of no scheduled transplant, my emotions had no adequate name in our human language. Disappointed was far too unworthy of a word. After the transplant conference, the doctors decided to stop Rebecca’s feeds. She was clearly rejecting any form of intestinal sustenance and we wanted to curtail her inflammatory process. Even if it meant starving her…. The day ended with Rebecca screaming in pain and me screaming with God. She cried she could not take anymore, I cried the same. As she was lying on the floor pleading for relief, my body was prostrate alongside - pleading for an ounce of reprieve, a sliver of alleviation. The next morning as I awoke to early doctor rounds, a verse from Lamentations came to my mind: “Great is His faithfulness, His mercies are new every morning.” And I felt anger rising within me recalling the days, weeks,and years of my child’s pain. My inner thoughts shrieked, “What mercies God? Show me the mercy in this???”. But despite my anger, this verse refused to leave my mind. Its comforting words took permanent residence in my soul, slowly seeping into my deep bitterness as a salve covers a wound. When Rebecca finally opened her eyes, she looked at me and said she felt better and I recognized the mercy of a new morning. Rebecca was able to sit up in a wheelchair and go outside. A new morning, a new mercy. Rebecca was able to play with her brothers on a playground. A new morning, a new mercy. Rebecca was able to walk a full lap around her hospital floor – a feat that only the day before, her doctors said not to expect of Rebecca to accomplish before transplant. A new morning, a new mercy. Rebecca’s pain medication requirements were 85% less than the day before. A new morning, a new mercy. Rebecca was able to smile and laugh with abundance. A new morning, a new mercy. Despite her tubes, pain and hospitalization, Rebecca had a great day. A new morning, a new mercy. We experienced a miracle. A true, unexpected miracle of mercy heaped upon us in amazing ways. And although I knew we still had to feed Rebecca, and I knew the repercussions that might ensue, I also knew that God was fully capable of solving this insurmountable problem. And through it all – with renewing mercies. Thank you Lord. Love to each and every one of you, Christyn
Posted on: Sun, 19 Oct 2014 19:19:17 +0000
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