GOOD BOOK ABOUT MARRIAGE “His Needs, Her Needs” is a book about marriage that I have been reading off and on for a good while. My friend’s wife made me promise her I would read it. Pride has kept me away from reading some books, such as this one, because most of us think we know enough and do not need help. The chapter I just read this morning was titled “She Needs Him To Talk To Her”. As with the previous chapters, every time the author makes a point, he has a story for it, which is pretty much my own personal style as a preacher, since most Deaf families are BIG on story-telling. The author tells the story of two couples. Tom’s wife is good friends with Kim, who is married as well. The four of them often go out together. At some point in the marriage, Kim, noticed that the husband rarely spoke to her unless he wanted something, or unless he had to. Then, he gives this brief dialogue.. Wife: “I really miss those talks we used to have” Husband: “Yes, me too, what would you like to talk about?” Immediately, Kim feels as though her husband doesn’t really have anything to say to her, and is hurt. All this while, the two couples get together often to eat, and go different places. Guess what happened? Kim, hungry for conversation, truly began to enjoy the conversations she had with Tom. Each time they would meet, they’d talk more. Finally, Kim confesses that she has fallen for Tom. You know what follows. A void in Kim’s marriage was filled by Tom, and that void was simply conversation, as a friend, soul-mate, etc. I taught ASL for twelve years in various places, secularly speaking. Most of the students who came because they were bored stiff at home would rarely admit it at first. I must have taught 500 people, maybe even more, over the past 27 years, and a lot of them were lonely. Imagine being married to someone who really has nothing to say to you other than the necessary, “I am going to deposit the money in the bank”-type thing. The silence, as the book says, is hurtful, and the wife especially needs conversation. The story I told not long ago about the family I counseled was all about communication and conversation. The husband worked, the wife was not able to, but when the husband came home from work, he wanted NO conversation. He wanted to be left alone. The two sat down to eat, but he would not allow her to start conversation. He’d eat, watch television, go to bed, and turn his back on his wife, not to be woken until time for work the next day. Is it about effort? Does a man have to try to talk to someone? Or should it conversation come naturally? The book goes on about how a husband/wife should educate himself/herself on things that interest the spouse. I could never interest myself in “scrapbooking”. I’d probably be tempted to say, “Sheesh. Find something a little less emasculating, will ya?" At the same time, I have never had a girlfriend that was excited about putting worms on the hook when fishing. To make it worse, off-topic here, but, we are out in the middle of a bayou, and she asks, “Is there a bathroom around here?” So, my opinion, not from the book, sometimes when a man is silent, it’s because he is somewhere that he does not want to be. He figures the more he talks, the longer he has to stay there. The wife thinks, “He is talking, he must like coming with me to the mall.” But really, if you love someone, you do want to talk to them, I hope. Maybe I am different, but if I am a lousy husband, the one thing I might be good at is conversation. Will close with this….when me and Tami were “together” (though many miles apart), even after a year’s time, every time I saw the big brown envelope in the mail, sometimes 20 or 30 pages handwritten, I smiled. I loved to talk to her, but she is Hearing, I am Deaf, so, at the time, snail mail was the only way. With Vanessa, videophone was great, and we could talk all day long. Does that necessarily fizzle out during marriage? Or is it things that happen along the way that makes men silent toward their wives? I don’t understand why a man would not want to talk to his wife, and I don’t see anything that could happen after marriage when all was fine but he still would not talk to her. Good book, “His Needs, Her Needs”. I personally don’t see much new information, but even if you know something, it doesn’t mean you think about it, consider it, or apply it in life.
Posted on: Mon, 15 Jul 2013 17:13:15 +0000
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