Hey Guys- Why are you looking at me like that? Gretchen asked. Like what? I asked. Like I am supposed to do something about it, she said. It was one of those moments in which I wondered whether mind-reading truly was possible or she was just a lucky guesser. I was really thinking that she should do something. However, I was not trying to look as though I thought that. I was just listening to her. Actually I was trying to do nothing and let her think it out for herself. She was the kind of client who always wanted someone to tell her what to do. Then when she was told, she was as likely to resist the advice as to take it. I had learned this about her early in her counseling and had refused to play the game anymore. But I had to be honest. Well, now that you ask, that is what I was thinking, I admitted, a little annoyed that I was so transparent. What do you think I should do? she pressed. I did not say that I was thinking of what you should do, I said. I just agreed that I was thinking you ought to do something. Do what? she demanded. Something, I said. But WHAT? How in the world could you be thinking I should do something when something was not even anything, she said, somewhat contemptuously. Something is something, not nothing. Thats a fair question, I replied. Let me explain. It is like what a friend of mine said to her seven-year-old son when he came to a her and wanted her to fix the fact that he was bored. He was sitting around the house with no friends and did not like having nothing to do. So she told him, Daniel, you are responsible for your own fun. So go find something to do that you enjoy. That is kind of what I was thinking in this situation with your sister Jean, I told Gretchen. (Jean wasnt speaking to Gretchen because of something Gretchen had done.) I was not thinking of what you SHOULD do. But like my friend with her son, I was thinking that if you dont like the way things are, then it is up to you to do something. You are responsible for your own fun, and in this situation you are certainly not having any. So I thought you should do something about that. WHAT you do is a different question. She shifted in her chair, and I continued. Your central problem is that whenever anything is wrong in your life - whether in a relationship like this one with Jean, or at work, or in your social life - you always think that the solution to making it better is going to come from the outside, not from you. The answer for you is the same for that bored kid: fun is not a bird that is going to land on your head. But a better relationship with Jean is not going to show up at your door through her initiative. Fixing the next step in your career is not going to come in the mail, and neither is the man of your dreams. Yet you always expect that someone else is going to make the first move to create the solution. And if they do not, you stay stuck in the problem, resentful and wishing life were treating you better. I said I could sit there and think she should do something because I believe that is what people who succeed do. They do something instead of nothing. They find a way to solve their own problems rather than asking someone else to solve those problems for them. Cheers, Henry
Posted on: Thu, 23 Oct 2014 16:41:37 +0000
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