Hey I related to your feelings, since I was in a similar situation. The hardest part was realizing that I had always been fighting so hard for the relationship, but all of that frustration and aggression were also manifest in the relationship in other ways - I was controlling and obsessive, and did quite a bit to drive my partner into someone elses arms. I lost a lot of respect for her, since I realized she didnt have the strength or independence that I had ascribed to her. It made me see that saying those things, which I told her verbatim, was part of a ritual of trying to appease her. She needed someone to rescue her, I suppose. However, it didnt matter who; she went through some serial monogamy after that, and was never really happy in her relationships later, since she had always refused to fight. She wanted to be inspired, but it grew into taking me for granted, which had made me pretty depressed. I really broke down and acted rather shamefully, but at least I was crying and engaging with my feelings. Whereas she was cold as ice, and basically inhuman in her treatment. Reflecting on that and being angry in controlled circumstances (sometimes bordering on mildly insane behaviour) helped me to get over it. I creeped her online a lot and felt really bad about it, but ultimately processed my feelings better because of it, and was able to engage with my thoughts and talk to new people. That helped a lot to break the cycle of obsession, to gradually shift and generalize and make abstract my thoughts and feelings and focus on fighting for myself, for my self identity. Me outside that relationship with that one person. Romantic ideals of the love of my life, slowly gave way to seeing her as the first person I really loved, as I explored new narratives to describe the past. As a writer one thing she did extremely well was to make up stories, and rewrite narratives. She would process her feelings without including or communicating with me as a partner, and then bring out something she had held onto as resentment for ages. Then she started torturing me: seeing other dudes in increasingly ambiguous situations. Trampling on my feelings. Until I dumped her, but only after being thoroughly shattered and heartbroken, but mostly because of the shift in story telling which so suddenly emerged once she had a situation to go into which she could control; a new relationship. She rewrote our whole history and told me she never really loved me. But, and here is the great part of my story: it turned around eventually! Even though it took a really long time, I took more interest in writing my own story and being unconcerned in what she thought of me. Less hurt by her, since I recognized the pattern of abuse that had gone on. There were many breakups, but the last one I refused to continue on as friends, something she just wanted to transition into. I made that choice strictly based on hurt, but it was ultimately wiser. Since it freed me up to talk about my feelings and have a conclusion that was not based at all on her conclusions. Anyway. You should vent your frustrations. Take up some kind of martial sport. Dont try to cry, dont try to love again. If youre a fighter you need to reclaim your power. Dont let her have control over you. Dont let her define you. Dont believe in her version of events, since she was clearly a liar and a POS. She isnt on your side anymore. She never was! Be a fighter. Fight! Fight for yourself, fight for your own power and control. Anyway: positive vibes. I decided to write you some inspiration since being inspiring is something I do well and everyone loves! Ive been where you are and it gets better. Find something you love about yourself and dive into it. Enjoy yourself as much as possible, love yourself and other people will love you
Posted on: Sat, 22 Mar 2014 20:56:30 +0000
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