I Can heal Now! Hello my friends, it has been quite some time since I wrote to you. The reason, quite simply, is that there has been very little to report on. I’ve hardly thought of cancer for two weeks which I take as a promising sign. I’ve been much more focussed on the work I have to bring my calling to life in the world. But yesterday I went for round 5 of chemotherapy and so my attention was brought back to my journey with this mysterious condition we collectively call cancer. I’d made a commitment to a group I belong to (TLC) a few days ago that I would write a new book in 6 weeks. This was an attempt by me to be accountable for producing something through which I could share the wisdom I’ve gained over the past 15 years. I set my sights on doing 30-35 pages a week but after 4 days I was roaring ahead of schedule. Yesterday In woke very early and had ten pages written before I went to hospital and wrote another ten while getting my chemo pumped in. I was vaguely aware that I was zooming; becoming super-hyper. This happens to me when I write a lot; especially when the book opens upm in front of me and I can see the next 50 pages in my mind and I want to get it all down. The creative force seems to spiral out of me like a tornado and when this happens I get pulled out of my core and go zooming off into whatever reality I am writing about. I am not even really aware of what I write; it just pours out of me and then I somewhat nervously go back and re-read it to see if it has emerged sensibly. Yesterday my zooming was accelerated because Amy, my hospital angel, and the hospital pharmacist, called into see me and I began to share the model I’d developed of emergent health. I could feel myself becoming more and more passionate and flying out of my body. At one stage I had a realization that I voiced to Any. We were speaking about healing and I felt a deep contraction within me when speaking about healing now. I realized that I believed I’d heal, but that it would not happen now – could not happen now. I had to first go on a long and arduous journey to make certain that I got all the wisdom from the cancer. And yet it feels as if the wisdom has dried up and maybe I’m done with this. It seems clear to me that I was hanging onto the cancer cells, making them stay to make sure I gained the necessary wisdom. The nurse came to take my blood pressure because they cannot give me the avastin, which is a biological agent that slows down capillary growth (cancer cells need to grow new capillaries through which to expand) if my pressure is too high. She put the automatic pump on my write arm (notice the symbolic mistake there) and it would not work. The pressure just kept building and my lower arm turned bright red and began to hurt. When it finally worked my pressure was 165/100 which is higher than it has ever been. They would not give me the medication with the pressure at that level and ordered me to calm down. It was apparent to them how hyper I had become and I had to send Amy away with the excuse I wanted to finish writing but I really just needed to stop being excited. Eventually, after turning the computer off, my pressure came down a little and they gave me the rest of my medication but it shocked me how quickly I’d lost myself. That night I kept focusing on the question of why I cannot heal now. That doesn’t mean I am saying I should heal now, only that it is time to open to that possibility and at the moment I was blocking the possibility. I woke at 3am and saw the connection between cancer and my journey. I’m doing exactly the same with my work. I know I’m being called out into the world with my work but I keep thinking I have to undergo another journey – to get that one last piece of wisdom and now I saw what my body was communicating to me. It was telling me to STOP IT! Stop insisting that I need to gain more wisdom. Over the next few hours I realised that I’d come to the bottom of the journey; that I’d gained all the wisdom I needed and all I could on this solitary path. That does not mean the wisdom is over; only that the wisdom I need now can only come through engaging the world and drawing others to me to collaborate with. It is time to emerge from my deep inner cavern and face the glare of the light. And with that realization I also feel that I have received the final piece of wisdom that the cancer has to offer me and I can release the hold I’ve had on it and allow the cells to return to normal cells. How long that will take and what form it will take is a mystery but I feel I’ve released the mental constructs that were holding it in my liver. Now I can truly become a liver. I have a CT scan on Tuesday and get the results from the Oncologist on Wednesday (if they are ready in time) so I’ll probably have an update for you then. Much Love Alistair
Posted on: Thu, 20 Jun 2013 04:39:13 +0000
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