I Resented My Body - The Diary of a Middle Aged Woman It was something that I never thought would happen to me. Something that I didnt think even existed inside of me. A series of thoughts, realisations, and perceptions that I never imagined would enter my head. The thought that I wanted to be younger. The thought that I wanted to look younger. And worse still this thought process was kicked off by a man. A younger man. A younger man who wasnt even interested in me yet one I thought about in those moments in between work. I found myself looking in the mirror and feeling annoyed about my changing shape. The extra pockets of flab where I didnt think they should be. The few yet few too many grey hairs insisting on appearing around my hairline. The extra lines on my face that were threatening to become wrinkles. I saw fit young women and couldnt believe that I found myself wanting to turn back time so that I could be on the side of the equation where youth was on my side. It didnt make any sense. Forty five isnt much different to the number 46 but somehow it was way too close to 50. Fifty!?!?! I never thought the day would come when that number was associated with me. I realised that the days where I always looked way younger than my chronological age might one day come to an end. And oh my god, what about my Duracell Bunny energy? What would I do if that ever ceased to be? Oh. Breathe. I had to breathe. I had to stop and look at myself. Not look at myself from that place of annoyance or resentment, but look at myself in terms of the bigger picture of my life. Ive never been attractive. Im not a model. My days of being naturally slim were brought to an abrupt end in my late 20s when a holier than thou doctor destroyed my thyroid gland. My work isnt based upon how I look so I was kind of in shock that such conversations could even enter my head. So what was the moment that helped to restore my sanity, and what did I do to adjust my thinking to move beyond the depths of looking back with regret?
Posted on: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 22:06:27 +0000
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