I always wondered how single parents dealt with random emergencies, meaning what did they do when they got sick but had kids to take care of? And I learned today exactly what they do: as much as they can & whatever it takes to have faith the kids will be just fine if their meal plan isnt as timely as usual & the nutrition is lacking when compared to their normal routine. An ovarian cyst had me buckled in pain so intense that I tried to elicit the help of a neighbor to simply go outside to get CJ off the bus. This neighbor is awesome but today she didnt hear her phone, so with sweat beading on my forehead & my body mildly shaking w/tremors from the intensity of the pain, damn it I got myself to that door. Come hell or high water I knew making it to the door was easier than driving to the school if I missed the bus (theres no way I couldve driven). I also learned that if I cant jump up & stop them from doing something they shouldnt be doing, theres nothing that cant be fixed. I also learned that if theyre doing something dangerous they shouldnt be doing, I wont feel my pain because I HAVE TO be assured theyre safety isnt in jeopardy, so maternal instinct naturally overpowers anything interfering with the normalcy of our day. In the most helpless manner, I laid hunched over knowing Christian was doing exactly what CJ came in to tell me he was: cracking eggs to get to the yolk. Its bad enough I havent seen child support in so long that my most recent visit to the food store was made possible by all remaining money my Aunt & Uncle sent me from another state, paired up with money sent over from my grandparents & a Visa gift card I got for Christmas from my Mom (she had brought me food in the past also), so the food I bought is precious to me & I do all I can to eliminate waste....to know its being wasted by curious little hands & not being able to do anything about it until the pain subsided enough to walk made me feel so helpless, & sad. But the world didnt come to an end. I had a hell of a mess to clean up, but thankfully it was only 3 eggs. It took a half of a roll of paper towels to clean up (another commodity thats precious when all my money was stolen by my self absorbed ex who was raised with a sense of entitlement to take all he can get & bear no responsibility once he gets it), & enough cleaning product to burn my eyes. But again, THIS is what single parents do. They do what they can when they can, and sometimes they have to settle on cleaning up the mess after its been made instead of avoid it all together. (Ironically, I believe thats the technical definition of single parenting thats the result of the noncustodial parent cheating: cleaning up the mess after its been made, even though it couldve been avoided 😉). I still wouldnt trade it in for the world. Id rather suffer through these days knowing the guilt associated with not being Mom & Dad as graciously as usual probably hurts me the most, more so than the physical entrapment of bearing pain & not being able to do a thing about it. What rattles my brain the most is this: I dont know how someone who convinced so many people just a year ago that he loves his kids so much that he took them to his jobs so he can provide for his family while I supposedly slept all day, (bc thats what full time students do, we sleep all day & the end result is good grades) could become such an absentee parent & STILL have his family convinced that Im the problem. LOOK AT ME compared to the sad (& quite pathetic) path HES walking WITHOUT ME! Is his business successful? If so, WHERES THE MONEY? If not, WHY NOT, IF THE PROBLEMS HE HAD BEFORE ARE NO LONGER INTERFERING WITH HIS ABILITY TO RUN A SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS? He doesnt have ME, the one with the business expertise, meddling in his (aka OUR) business anymore....nor does he have to take his precious, precious boys to his jobs anymore (aka his volunteer work once he covers the losses incurred by foolish decisions, wasted time, & extremely poor use of every asset in his possession). I now know how single Moms raise their family when theyve been abandoned by their ex....with the maternal instinct that great Moms have backed by their unconditional love for their children.
Posted on: Sat, 01 Feb 2014 08:24:21 +0000
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