I am having to think over my life again. About five years ago I was wondering why I had, all through my life, had trouble relating to and communicating with people and why it was so hard for me in social situations. A little voice floated through my head and said, Autism. I had never thought of autism before, didnt know much about it and certainly never thought of myself as autistic, I did some research on the subject, discovered Asperger syndrome, took an online test which showed I was close to the line, but not over so I escaped most notice, and when I viewed my life through that lens it suddenly made a lot more sense. I can do calculus but have been largely a social moron. I have been on an increasingly rapid road to self discovery ever since that realization. There is so much going on in my head right now I can barely write. I had a long visit with Serena Fennell (thank you) today and realized it was one of the first times I had ever had a long intimate talk with anyone and really been there. It scares me to think of it now. 21 years ago I had started learning how to be more intimate with the girlfriend I had at the time of my arrest. We took a week long course on loving oneself at Heartwood Institute. Soon after, seven years in prison ended that relationship and that beginning of communication. What I see today (today is now yesterday), really for the first time and after some self reflection, and I dont really know how to put it in words, is that I have lived most of my life with a partial wall around my heart. By choosing to live a compassionate life at this late date I am leaving a comfortable, cozy, somewhat simple, but relationally shallow life, for the full, rich, messy life of emotion and intimacy. I have struggled, bounced off hundreds of people, sold 15 million doses of acid and did seven years in prison partly to compensate for not having a personality and so people would like me, cried buckets of tears and dreamed of getting to this place that I didnt really know existed other than most of the people I liked being around seemed to be there/here, Here I am just in the doorway of being much more fully human and it is overwhelming. I can look back and see my relatively unconscious being blundering through the past, and peoples lives, in my self centered fog, only fully able to feel when I put myself in extreme danger. Really, there were lots of great moments, but when I didnt get my way, I was emotional, angry, and I didnt understand why. I was laying in bed and half dreaming tonight and I went back to a time when I was a friendly, curious and open little boy. It doesnt seem like I had autistic traits then. It is the boy I am bringing back to life and it is scary. I have been remembering that time in my life in bits a lot lately. It was a very brief time between when I attained mobility and when my dad started beating me into submission which started when I resisted my first haircut so fiercely that father missed a baseball game. Lots of it is still blocked, but I am not really trying to pry into it, just using it as another point of understanding of myself. Emotional intimacy was not how culture was passed on in my family, it was through terror and fear. I am weeping right now, I feel like I have missed so very much. I have had an incredible life incommunicado, and entering this new portal is making it even so much more incredible. I pray for the strength to transcend the past as I step into the future. It is not easy right now but I am filled with some kind of joy. Thank you to everyone who I have blundered into. I learned something from you that helped get me here and if I offended you, as I did very many, please know that I didnt try to offend you, I was always doing the best I could. Namaste
Posted on: Thu, 22 May 2014 09:09:42 +0000
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