I am not a good listener. I know that. You have to hit me upside the head with a clue-by-four. You have to tell me to shut up. You have to tell me twice. And sometimes you have to repeat yourself several times before I hear what youre really saying. I know this. This is why I work so hard to listen. I tell myself to shut up and pay attention. I tell myself to listen not only to the words that are being said, but also to where the speaker is coming from. I work at it because I know Im a lousy listener. Eventually, one day, maybe I will train myself to be a better listener. In the meantime, I work hard -- not just at listening, but at understanding. What Ive noticed is that most of the time, Im not listening -- Im preparing my reply. So when I notice that, I shut up and listen harder. What Ive noticed is that sometimes Im hearing, but not understanding, so when I notice that I shut up and listen for where the person is coming from. But I dont always notice -- and sometimes Im quicker to respond than I should. Yes, sometimes I dont have all the facts yet. And sometimes I forget to ask for more information. And sometimes my own self-righteousness kicks in. Well, hell -- Im only human, but thats an explanation, not an excuse. But when people share themselves with me, I make a serious effort to accept it as a gift. They arent requesting my advice or my judgment or even my opinion. They are giving me the gift of the opportunity to understand who they are and what theyre feeling and thinking. Theyre giving me a piece of themselves. This is why I listen when my transgender friends speak -- because I want to know more and understand better. This is why I listen when my female friends speak -- because I want to know more and understand better. This is why I listen when my Asian friends and African-American friends and Latino friends and disabled friends and Aspie friends and etc. etc. etc. and all my friends, regardless of all those crappy incomplete ugly stupid categories that we pigeonhole people into out of the mistaken belief that these are explanations for who they are -- but no they are not! But this is why I listen to everyone who speaks. Because I want to know more and understand better. Because despite those various categories, underneath it all, we are all human beings -- capable of hurting, capable of loving, capable of caring -- and also capable of anger and fear and grief as well. Heres the one thing I know about myself -- Im impatient. Im annoyable. Im demanding. This was pointed out to me by someone who had observed me for a while. I demand the best of myself and everything around me. This is why, she pointed out, my dogs all have unique personalities and behaviors and better-than-average intelligence, because I demand that kind of interaction. This is why Ill sweat for days over a paragraph, because I demand that it work. This is why I bust machines of all kinds -- because Im pushing them to their limits, demanding more than theyre capable of. And this is why some of my relationships have broken -- Ive demanded excellence. And this is why my son turned out so well. Because I wouldnt settle for being the best parent I could. (Ha! You thought that sentence was going somewhere else, didnt you?) Randy Hunt knows this about me. So does John Hanley. (Both Hanleys.) So do a few others who know me well. The people who dont know me well dont know this and dont understand it -- if they did know it, theyd understand a lot better. And thats the point -- I demand so much of myself because I want to understand and know better. And -- this is an aside -- this is why I get annoyed when I share something and some people immediately argue with it -- because it shows up for me that theyre not really listening. Theyre not hearing what I want to share. And thats why I know I have to work harder to listen better -- because theres nothing more frustrating than not being listened to.
Posted on: Mon, 07 Jul 2014 06:04:33 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015