I dedicated last night to my dad. He was supposed to come to see me the weekend of my birthday. It wouldve been his first time watching me perform or even hearing my music. I didnt really expect him to come because I was going on so late, but he insisted. He ended up not coming and I understood. He said hed catch one of the next ones. Friday I got a call from my aunt. She said he had a stroke and has been in the hospital since Tuesday. He didnt want me to know, but then they found tumors in his brain and lungs and she thought it was time. I left work to go see him but she told me to wait. She didnt want him to get upset that she told me. So I waited... Too many thoughts rushed in at once; I just saw him on Fathers Day and he looked fine. I wanted to call someone but I couldnt think of who. My mom was out of town. I havent talked to my sister in 10 years and Im sure if he didnt want me to know he definitely wasnt telling her. Hes not going to fight this at all... I fought to suppress these thoughts but eventually lost and cried myself to sleep, after begging God to not let him suffer. Weve had our differences but Ive always loved and respected him, and if I ever have kids I wanted him to be a part of their lives. When my aunt finally called, she said he was exhausted and agitated and suggested I wait to see him the next day. Saturday I met her there and we walked into his room together. He didnt recognize me... It wasnt until I spoke to the nurse that he realized it was me. He tried hard to hold back the emotions but as soon as my aunt left us alone he broke down. I held him and luckily I was able to hold my tears back long enough for him to regain composure. We didnt really talk much about the situation. I didnt really say much at all. I just let him pour out as much as he could before my aunt came back. I almost didnt want to leave, but he understood why I had to. Im glad I didnt ride to the show alone. The silence may have taken away my willingness to be around anyone, let alone perform. Ive never found it difficult to be sociable before last night. I tried hard not to be too separated from everyone but I had a few moments. My eyes were closed when I asked everyone to salute my dad. I felt it tho. I appreciate everyone who was there for that. These next few days are going to be very trying and confusing, but I have enough pillars of support to hold me up to see it through.
Posted on: Sun, 27 Jul 2014 18:41:13 +0000
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